| 16th April 2005 - 11:18:35 AM |
| 13147 : Maria Montezuma, Poetess to Princess Peussie |
| Here's a poem my s/m brother had to memorize during some initiation of him into this TORTURE CLUB sponsored by Dustin. I'd love to hear it read out loud with all of the screams and groans from the new members up in the slings, being fisted. Precious little angel Take a look at what you've done Well I thought my time was over But it's only just begun Precious little angel You're my own sweet turtle above Won't you stay with us for ever In a bundle full of funny love I was lost until you came Precious little angel Won't you spread your sauce on me I was locked up in the darkness Now you've come to set me free I was covered up with sadness I was drowned in my own tears I've been cynical and nasty I've been bitter all these years I was lost until you came And wouldn't I run a thousand miles To be with you And wouldn't I run a thousand miles To put it into you ? Precious little angel Tell me how can it be true That such a gift from heaven Has been sent for me and you Precious little angel Don't you worry and don't you cry When this stupid Glass group has crumbled I'll be standing at your side I was lost until you came |
| 16th April 2005 - 05:31:53 PM |
| 13148 : JOHN FELCHER |
| Maria, what a fab poem that is. I am going to have it printed on my toilet paper and hope I can get this shits again and again. Thanks for the drivvvvvvle, SLUT! And for any of you guys: Who is older here, Dustin or my underpanty stains? Who's going to pick up the blighted flower at the end of the orgy, standing at the intersection of the roads to heaven and hell with that nasty smell, and unable to wait for the next Spring? Who's willing to light up the candle, in the dark, humid and zigzag crack of my ass with frigid blast, to show a illuminant way to trudge on? Whatever the fuck that means....anyway, you assholes: the answer is>>>>>> NOT ME!!!! |
| 17th April 2005 - 04:53:07 AM |
| 13149 : Screech |
| Saved By Your Balls, the internet game! http://www.rainbowanimations.com/animations/view.php?id=sbyb |
| 17th April 2005 - 08:14:11 AM |
| 13150 : Takeshi Tinmymouth |
| SCREITCH CAN SMELL MY BUM-FARTS. I WANT TO DROPPING MY ASS ON HIS FACE AND THEN I WILL EXCREETE SMELLY SHITS TO HIS MOUTH. THEN HE CAN WILL SUCK MY MAN-TEET AND EAT MY SPERMMS. SCHREETCH YOU ARE A SMELLY FACE MICHEL JACKSON BUTT. |
| 17th April 2005 - 10:34:48 AM |
| 13151 : Maxwell Nerdstrom |
| Hey Screech, remember Kevin, your robot room-mate? Remember the time I borrowed him for a 'science project'? Remember how, when I gave him back, you found that I'd made a couple of modifications to Kevin - namely giving him a fully functional set of male genitalia and programming him with a raging homosexual lust? Remember how, after that, Kevin was constantly trying to rape you with his mighty robo-cock? Remember how you had to switch him off every time he tried? Remember how, after the 84th or 85th time, you just gave in to his advances and decided to give him a blowjob? Remember how you smoked on Kevin's cold, metallic hard-on, and after a few minutes Kevin said 'AHHHHH...OH...SCREECH...I'M...GONNA...CUM', in his staccato synthetic voice? Remember how you felt him cum in your mouth? Remember how horrified you were when you realised that Kevin came oil? Remember how the oil-cum shot straight down your throat? Remember how you started to vomit profusely, all over Kevin's dripping phallus? Remember how you had to go to hospital and have your stomach pumped? Remember how you nearly died? LOL!!! KEV1n PWNED j00!!!!!1!one |
| 17th April 2005 - 01:22:26 PM |
| 13152 : Rocco |
| Rocco here. Still in awe from my Rome experience. Ive been farting jizz for the last two weeks. Lately ive been dressing up as a roman cardinal and have found that to be a quite popular outfit on the dumpster scene. As the weather warms up the scene is exploding once again. I buttfucked many a screech and blessed them with holy water from my cock! I also gave many the sacrament by shitting in their mouths! I passed gas in a nun's mouth and she vomited!Right on ROcco |
| 17th April 2005 - 05:21:54 PM |
| 13153 : Sissy Timmy |
| I usually stand up in my bathroom, with one foot up on the side of my bathtub and the other firmly on the floor. Then I reach back, insert the bulb of the tampon about half way (half the bulb length) into my ass. Then, while holding the bulb between my thumb and middle finger, put my index finger on the plunger part and push it all the way in. then, while still holding the bulb between my thumb and middle finger, gently pull it out and let the string slide thru. I usually tug the string gentily to make sure it's connected to the tampon itself. This seats the tampon properly and leaves about 3 inches string outside. Plenty to pull it out later with. There was one time a few years ago, when the string wasn't connected and I lost the tampon in my ass. Was no problem, just sh*t it out later in the day. I usually jerk off about an hour after putting the tampon in, feels real good to sit on a chair and rub back and forth on my ass, can feel the tampon inside and massaging my prostate. I usually save the tampon applicator for later fun. I tape the plunger and bulb together to make it as long as possible, then I **** myself in the ass with it. Makes me cum real good, sometimes without getting hard! Ran out of my own Pearls. I have a Playtex Gentile Glide Super Absorbancy Plus in right now. Took it from my wifes stash, she started her period Monday too! After I insert it, I use a ear wax bulb to inject a little water into my ass, the tampon sucks up the water and expands...fills me up. I really feel it in there as I walk, sit, and move. I usually wear a light days panty liner when I do that, it tends to leak a little bit....love that wet feeling on my ass. |
| 17th April 2005 - 08:59:35 PM |
| 13154 : Tiny Timmy with a Prick of GOLD |
| OK, fuckers, who sent me this one via my email???? and what the fuck does it mean???? i saw the picture of the blue gould you have on zebra club do you sell blues? if so could you let me know any info please. we d like to know what you think about our web site please leave your comments in this public guest book so we can share your thoughts with other visitors. he scanned the scroll with growing unhappiness an intricately plot drawing of the unknown rims of every galaxy was printed in elboarte detail. love the new layout drea took me by surprize when i went to make my usual rounds this morning however and all the links were in a different place. now go click on that link up there at the top see the history of the hollywood bowl make some plans buy some tickets and go!! i like your dobs and seeking many months to own a good puppy of six month of age so please contact me. |
| 17th April 2005 - 09:58:53 PM |
| 13155 : Penis of Salsa |
| Well Timmy you sure are a weird dude, Man...and what the hell do you mean sending this shit here to the GAY DUSTIN group? Let's talk about vomit and shit all over DUSTIN, and stop with the Rocco saint burpie stuff, ok? |
| 17th April 2005 - 11:48:23 PM |
| 13156 : Ox |
| Screech, remember that episode where you where playing basketball in gym class? Remember when Slater checked the ball off your huge gonzo nose? Remember when your nose started bleeding because he threw the ball so hard? Remember when you started crying like a little bitch? Remember when the gym teacher told you to go to the nurse's office? Remember when the nurse gave you a shot to calm you down? Remember when you came to and discovered you were lying naked in a patient's bed in the nurse's office with your arms and legs tied to the bed? Remember when Mr. Tuttle walked in and called you a huge faggot? Remember when he slapped you in the head and started laughing at you? Remember how it was allergy season and his nose was really runny? Remember when he walked up to you and you thought he was going to untie you? Remember when he instead blew his nose right in your face? Remember when he started flicking boogers out of nose nose and into your mouth and eyes? Remember when he spit in your hair? Remember when Mr. Belding walked in and said "hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?" Remember when he saw you with boogers and spit on your face and started laughing his ass off? Remember when he dropped trow, revealing his wrinkled middle-aged cock? Remember when he started stroking himself and blew his load in your poofy afro? Remember when he also blew his nose in your eye and flicked boogers into your mouth? Remember when Slater walked in the room from gym class and was carrying the basketball from class? Remember when he whipped it in your face, breaking your nose? Remember when Zack walked in and ripped a nasty fart right in your face? Remember when Zack and Slater then took turns picking their noses and wiping their boogers in your hair? Remember when Slater finished your off by unloading a huge pile of shit in your 'fro? Remember when everyone walked out and returned to class, leaving your by yourself for the next 5 hours as the bodily fluids in your hair hardened? Remember when Mr. Dewey finally released you in time to catch the bus home? Remember when it took several weeks to get all of the boogers, shit, jizz, and spit out of your hair? The Bayside gang really got you good that time! |
| 18th April 2005 - 05:57:18 AM |
| 13157 : |
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| 18th April 2005 - 05:57:22 AM |
| 13158 : |
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| 18th April 2005 - 05:57:34 AM |
| 13159 : |
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| 18th April 2005 - 06:56:27 AM |
| 13160 : SOMEBODY |
| YOU GUYS ARE ALL FUCKED UP |
| 18th April 2005 - 10:25:01 AM |
| 13161 : OX again, and looking for my dick |
| Here's the answer to those POKER assholes, as if anyone goes there for that shit!!!!! Try this one on for size after a BIG DOOBIE and some poppers and your pal's fist up yer asshole....... lucy is the butterfly lol i thought i d name it hope u have a very nice peaceful weekend!!! summer hi dot hi markella thanks i thought the butterfly was cute who s lucy? various depending on therapies more information available on request a national placement agency for qualified therapists seeking more clients in the corporate market. daniel your brilliant at keeping up with the guestbook and doing paul s job while he is away are you ever away? bone id les with j athletic featuring ty quot beyond the clouds quot and ty s quot we don t care quot. the finals are coming up soon and all the gals from northfield academy in aberdeen wish the best of luck to peterhead academy you lot are fab. i am however in a family of beautiful women who have a lot of different amazing and unique qualities if i can somehow manage to inherit the best from each of them i ll be in good shape. dude my mind is my worst enemy!!! my dreams need to stop or the piece of my heart that still belongs to me is going to shatter from confusion which equals no more me! reflexology vertical reflex therapy vrt aromatherapy hopi ear candles indian head massage louise hay philosophy teachings reiki. believ it!! heys a brodi watz up my man u r funny ill see uyou on the best dam spronts show!! can i trow a basebal withe you won day??? ling ling oh my stars and comets your cattitude is showing! perhaps some catnip tea earl gray of course with sugar cookies would help! tituba me too. good morning summer! sorry i have neglected your journal and everyone elses but just been real busy! hope you get to feeling better! have a great week! |
| 18th April 2005 - 11:52:16 AM |
| 13163 : Independent Anti-Racist Brigades&National Socialis |
| ManipulaZional National Socialism ** ** - NAZIS were RIGHT: Zionist CAPITALISM BETRAY whole WORLD via its MEDIAL SHURKS, well-paid polit-prostitution figures, neo-liberal bastards, imported criminals, Mo$$ad's doggies&piggies - I agree with you! Well, tv redactioen team prepared a brand new clip just on thus subject and it's ready for broadcasting, labelled as, "NAZISM&RACISM on Jewish Media is a Product of the judaized IMPERIALISM" - Let's watch!.. ** - Nazism (den provokativa och falska nazismen att behålla makten över opinionsbildande krafter) och rasism produceras i EU, speciellt i den skurk-satellite-regimen SvekJa Kingdom... - Vilka är de framkommande instrumenter som producerar Nazism&Rasism? - De är experter, mesta ursuprungligen bastarder af judiska kapitalister... Det är inte hemlighet längre att de som praktiserar i avdelningar af Mo$$ad etc. har extra pass i skurkländer därmed blir lättare att operera över hela världen. De framkommande figurerna som Tv Independent Laponia dokumenterat, sänds idag... - Lå se klippet! ** - Mest fräcka figurer som producerar "Nazism&Racism News, almost Made by US&USrael&Co Shurk-Satellites": BART, Daniel: Middle East expert has several tasks to create conflicts between peoples, for example betrayed Kurds against the oppressed Kurkik Turkmen or Swedish Anarchists against the NSD/NSF, N.Socialist Front members in the EU etc etc... POOHL, Daniel: Expo&AIPAC&ADL&Mo$$ad staff, settled in Scandinavia, get prize his fist practice, aslo he infiltrated National Democrats adn nowadays infiltrates the artistical communities and the democratical institutions of EU, undermines such areas, steal secret info for USraeli Mafia tel. 073-903 71 90 OLSSON, Daniel: Expo&AIPAC&ADL&Mo$$ad staff, Expo&AIPAC&ADL&Mo$$ad staff tel. 070-402 29 05 CLINELL, Bim: författarinna, journalist (according to Arne RUTH made paper&BONNIERS&TEl Aviv diploms) i radio, TV och tryck. Hon har även arbetat för USrael's räkning i Paris 10 år.", means, this dangerous French-spoken Mammele, still operates EU and infiltrated the French sections, worked in Paris, ten years sprea dlies against the Anti-Zionists&Communists&Muslims ... She is expert to produce fake-racism-stories. BAKSI, Kurdo: imitation of all above chiefs...Second hand homo-pig produces fake-racist stories,almost operates via Masoud BARZANI neo-zioni-gang. AMIN, Jabar: BarZioni's neo-Zionist Kurd instrument, infiltrated GreenParty. ...other second hand puppies&dogggies, who were been prized on such horny tasks: WIRTÉN, Per: MATTHIAS, Moa: WINTHER, Marianna: KONSTANTIS, Jannis: Catch-boy of Imperialism, imported from GreeCIA and uses as simply provocator, chief at NMR (fake anti-racist section of Jewish lobbies)... BERGGREN, Erik: His father was top-chief of provocative news fabrications by BONNIERS&WALLENBERG&BILDERBERG Mafia. Henrik BERGGREN for instance was chief propagandist at Daliy Newspoaper Dagens Nyheter... Doggy Erik sitting now in the father's chair at same paper, DN and continues to produce traditionally Jewish llies... JONSSON, Stefan: CATOMERIS, Christian: SEHN, Arthur: History-falser, operates Ukraina OLSSON, Ola: History-falser, operated Ukraina, too. WALLIN, Stig: "Den gamla bedragaren mjölkar svenska folket"... Famous betrayer in many countries... Wanted in Polonia 'cause of WALLIN Clan Members looted other Jews during WW II. He escaped to Scandinavia and still operates institutions, built several fake Anti-Racist unities, like CMR (Centrum mot rasism; don't make me laugh!) Sick!.. Ridiculous sickness, yes, it's biggest one in this horny market!.. And meantime this shiitty Jew operates in the religious sects for example Baptist Sect for USraeli Mafia. ANDROSHUCHUK, Feidr: Archeologie-falser, worked (operated) Ukraina and sometimes joined propaganda actions in the EU, via Zionist Folk Party visa... HASSAN, Maria: joined history-falsery coup and operated Ukraina. She prized by Jewish coup in Sosis Party of SvekJa Kingdom, selected (!) as parliamet as biggest prize for her completely successfull polit-prostition. AHLMARK, Per&AHLIN, Per: TIGER, Annica: IT-service ** AIPAC&ADL Terrornetwork's directly connex in Scandinavia; propaganda center Exxpo: Stieg LARSSON (death af AIDS preventive medicament was ooverdos and caused heart attack): David LAGERLÖS contuines in the chief's chair ** CMR Gang administration of Jewish Propagand Machinery: Stig Wallin Ordförande stig.wallin@cmr.nu Raili Borg raili.borg@cmr.nu Jabar Amin jabar.amin@cmr.nu Matti Laukkanen matti.laukkanen@cmr.nu Godfrey Etyang godfrey.etyang@cmr.nu Jannis Konstantis jannis.konstantis@cmr.nu Amina Ek Verksamhetschef telefon: 08- 545 414 81 e-post: amina.ek@cmr.nu Babak Rahimi Webbansvarig telefon: 08- 545 414 82 e-post: babak.rahimi@cmr.nu Mkyabela Sabuni Medlemsamordnare telefon: 08- 545 414 83 e-post: mkyabela.sabuni@cmr.nu ** NMR, Nätverk mot rasism som ständigt i tjänsten af sionistisk rasism: Nätverket mot rasism's postal adddress: c/o Hasans vänner (bara en falsk vän som ökända homo-horan Jannis KONSTANTIS) Box 34 129 21 Hägersten Billiga kollaboratörer å samma sidan: www: http://www.nmr.nu e-post: info@nmr.nu ** FARR, Falseriet's gyllene tider, bedrivs af Pentagon's male-whore Michael WILLIAMS, settled in the EU for operations: FARR: Box 57, 776 23 HEDEMORA Tel/fax 0225-14777, pg 520890-5, info(at)farr.se Michael Williams (ordf), michael.williams(at)farr.se Ingeborg Sevastik (vice ordf), 0173-10129, isevastik(at)hotmail.com (Bangladesh) Birgitta Olsson (sekreterare), 0157-20907 Britta Flodin (vice sekr), 0159-10707 Sören Lilja (kassör), 0696-55115 Övriga styrelsen, landansvariga och medlemsgrupper: Borås: FARR-gruppen i Borås, 033-139895, alt 179447 Falun: Falu-Borlänge Asylkommitté, lennart.ed.konsult(at)swipnet.se Falkenberg: Hallands Asylkommitté, 0346-58316 Birgitta Hallding, 0709-822888 Lars Fagerström, 0346-17796 Filipstad: (Värmland) Bengt Sjöberg, 0590-10336, bengt.sjoberg00(at)telia.com Flen: Föreningen Solidaritetens hus, 0157-10006 Gävle: Asylkommittén i Gästrikland, 0297-20307 Göteborg: Ingen Människa är Illegal, goteborg(at)ingenillegal.org Reza Chitsaz, reza1871(at)hotmail.com Laxå: Laxå asylkommitté, Marita Wanche, 0585-44360 Linköping: Jan Johansson, 0703-991319 Ljusdal: Ljusdals Solidaritetshusförening, 0651-15957 Ludvika: Rigmor Andersson, 0240-18603, rigmor.andersson(at)farr.se Lund: Asylgruppen Lund, 073-6699375, asylgruppenlund(at)hotmail.com Malmö: Asylgruppen i Malmö, 0736-590573 asylgruppen(at)hotmail.com Joachim Lentz, 040-464736 (Latinamerika) Stockholm: Asylkommittén i Stockholm, 08-6175186 asylkommitten(at)hotmail.com Ingen Människa är Illegal, stockholm(at)ingenillegal.org Bertil Bengtsson, 08-7118180 (Libanon) Bertil Mathsson, 08-323602 Brita Hännestrand, 08-6557936 (kl 17-19) (Iran). Fax 08-6554031 Elisabeth Halász, 08-53185191 Jean-Luc Martin, 08-6628871 Lidija Badel, lidija.badel(at)spray.se Sundsvall: Asylkommittén i Sundsvall, 060-122850 Birgitta Krona, bikrona(at)yahoo.se Uppsala: Ekumeniska fristadsgruppen m nätverk, 018-370135 ** Kristen-klädda judiska bedragarnas mest farliga figurer: Enochsson-clan members Lilja-clan members Thorson/Thorsson clan members Wikström clan members... etc. etc. bl. a. propaganda section chiefs: Annelie Enochson Telefon: 08-786 44 20 Mobil. 070-655 06 50 E-post: annelie.enochson@kristdemokraterna.se Mats Odell Telefon: 08-786 5686 Mobil. 070-530 42 47 E-post: mats.odell@kristdemokraterna.se Polit-whores in the officially corridors of EU: Gunnar Hökmark är moderaternas förstanamn som missbrukar partiets resurser och prostituerar för USraeli militär-Mafia. 19 september 1952 föddes i Ystad, Mammele var bordellmamma och pppan var efterlyst kund rymmde från Germania som stulit ägodelar/guld af andra judiska tjuvar. ** - Zionist Folk Party - Vilka namn jag kan lista upp uttalen; exempelvis; Jan STENBECK (died after overdos viagra in a brothel by the side of Jewish porno figures...) Fredrik Malm chief at homo-whore-sect, Lars LEIJONBORG drives pro-Zionist Fag Party, Birgitta OHLSSON cloakrat in Parliament, Cecilia MALMSTRÖM undermines Bruxel institutions; there are multi-culti labelled multi-criminal intruments too for instance Mauruicio ROJAS, PINOCHET's Jewish bastard imported just from Chilean dictatorship and similarly doggies&piggies under polit-whore clothes... ...massor... Sect/sektarians/manipulation sektionerna är mycket rika, finns massa skurkar som aktiva i detta skitiga området exempelvis: JABOTINSKY sect: EKMAN Clan members ruling Jabotinsky terror-gang worldwide. Arken-sect: bedrivs af bedragaren Gunnar Bergling, född 1944, hjärndöd på mänskligt sätt ändå springer kloakråttan som ett slags af marionett. ICJ-sect: Jehova's pedophiles sect: Lutherian sect who betray the name of poor Martin LUTHER!.. Satanistical sects took money from Masonry lobbies... ...and much more... ** - Intressant... Bara finns ju cirka 20.000 judar i Sverige. - Men det är någon form speciell doktrinera flock... - Visst!.. Inte bara plundrare, bedragare som flydde från de länderna fortfarande efterlyser brottslingarna... - Traditinellt farliga instrument, vad jag bevitnat.. Deras vuxna andel är helt hjärntvättade fanatiker som hatar mänskligheten.. - Men räcker det att dominera Sverige? - Bara tio fifflare räckte att lúra FN, (United Nations) i 1948 så bildades världens första militär maffian som s.k. state of USrael... Självklart räcker detta att driva samhället vart som helst... Kom ihåg att mediala apaprater och finans-sektor ligger i deras tassar... - Dessutom är svenskar, samer, norrman, finnar etc. så snälla att tro på judarnas lögner i flera år... - Titta på Channel Discovery.. Samer och svenskar liknar de drabbade renarna som vilseledas i öknen... - Skandinaviens egna institutioner och stiftelser utnyttjas liksom råttfällor som skadar folket, istället för shakaler... - Definitivt!.. Sanningens vinkel om man bara vill se!.. Se på den pågående plundringen!.. En enda schakal räcker att driva en stor hjord... Stackare svenskar blev bara 9 miljoner och de opiniosbildande krafter tillochmed enorma resurser af mediala propagandans mekanismer, DN, Expressen, Aftonbladet, Judisk krönika, Menorah etc etc ligger i schakalernas tassar. Miljontals människor hjärntvättas via den enorma kraften.. Även de som kallar sig ockupations-koalitionen som massakrerar Mellanöstern, har inte sådan mediala möjligheter... Vilken paradis blivit Skandinavien att schakaler, råttor, skitätar fluggor dansar i taket af den noga korrumperade cirkusen!.. - Då är det lätt att fatta!.. Det räcker att suga ut hela Europa's blod, inte minst de stackare svenskarnas... - Väl-beskrivit!.. Nu är du Nazi!.. - Tack så mycket, men jag är Marxist och den här bästa vännen är Muslim!.. - Oavsett vad ni är! Imorgon hängs ditt namn ut som Nazi, då kan dina alla krafter inte räcka att försvara dina grundläggande rättigheter!.. - Då går jag til Amnesty Int.! - Förgäves!.. Amnesty SvekJa sviker människor om man kritiserat imperilaismen, speciellt blivit etiketterad hos SKMA. - Vad är SKMA - Central registration of Mo$$ad's Scandinavia civil pursuement section. - Wow!.. I am afraid of such democracy!.. - Vad? - Zero!. Ground Zero of Human Rights, specially in the such horny staellites of ZOG - ???!!! - ???!!! ** Sverige mot rasism!.. Smart!.. Den välsminkade varudeklarationen låter fint i första ögonkastet! Men vem som ligger bakom det här projektet och hur mycket vinner de cheferna i detta lurendrejeriet? Egentligen borde man fråga; kära listiga schakaler, vems Sverige ni vill låtsas representera? Tror ni att detta land så enkelt blivit lättlurad och förvandlas att vara en extra bordell af era horaktige döttrar? Eller är detta US&USrael-ägda kondom som ni obgränsade sättet utnyttjar saken i flera år? Tror ni att detta fräckhet skall inte sättas i svars, ska ni plundra samhället såhär fritt/schutzpach och undvika att bestaffas; blir det, verkligen? Smittsamma råttor smiter inte varje gång! Det saka var nog någon gång!.. Läs historien!.. - Låt se och höra, vad de vittnena berättar om detta nya exemplet af projektet? - Varsågoda!... http://turture.abf.se/Forum/kalles.ns...!OpenDocument http://www.mir.com.my/rb/photography/... http://www.schriwer.no/_disc1/0000000... http://guestbooks.pathfinder.gr/read/... http://readthetruth.com/guestbook/gue... http://www.shariati.com/messages/3861... http://www.hopp.org/guestbook.asp?pag... http://turture.abf.se/Forum/kalles.ns... - ABF, Jew dominated falsification center explain its own parasites; also, main casuality of Racism is just main benefits of the Zionist Fascists! - It's true!.. Sebbe THORVALDSSON tells the truth when he get a bottle "absolute Vodka" from me!... - Wow!.. Typical traditionally affair!.. I understand now better!... - I am experter on Jewsih Evangelian fag character!.. - Congratulation, Sir!.. http://www.efc-inc.com/boards/toys/me... http://www.faulkingtruth.com/GuestBoo... http://kisielice.com/kisielice/ksiega... http://readthetruth.com/guestbook/gue... http://www.ludd.luth.se/~birger/gb_re... http://www.foothill.net/swisley/wwwbo... http://debatt.passagen.se/show.fcgi?c... http://amazingforums.com/forum/KEMDOC... http://turture.abf.se/Forum/kalles.ns... http://www.faulkingtruth.com/GuestBoo... - Jag personligen känner vissa af de ovanlistade svinarter.. Jo, de är som legal-maskerade kriminella, plågar samhället full-fritt! - Någon ska sätta stop någonstans! - Hoppas! Vi behöver nya modiga Che GUEVARA, STALIN, HITLER, LENIN tillochmed profeten MOHAMMAD-sinnade krigare som ska sluta den pågående sionistiska imperialismen! - Instämmer!.. Folk borde inte utnyttjas som kor!.. Det varar inte evigt! Åtminstone jag som en af dem som inte tillåter att vara jagad, plundrad och behandlas som leksak... ** Se hit, vad svenskafolket tycker; vad man avslöjar om judedominerade historie förvrängning och föroreningar: http://www.svenskafolket.se/forum.htm - ManipulaZional Racism is most progressive industry to win bloody money and therefore we witness so wonderful conferences against Racism and same figures who profiteers of Racist brutality.. - Actually I am the one of such witnessess... I realized that the Zionist obbies bult a lot of AntiRacist leagues who drive this industry... In fact, there are famous evidences on this satellite; CMR&NMR... These big shurkness centers driven directly from US&USraeli Military Mafia... CMR&NMR coalition looks like US&BRitannian Coalition... US&ToryBLiar occupoied Iraq.. But CMR&NMR Coalition didn't need occupation, 'cause poor Sweden been occupied since many years... BONNIERS&WALLENBERGS&HORNYBERGS' bastards exactly similarly sadistical jackals look like the Toturer Chiefs at Proison Abu-Gharib... We heard the prisoners from Iraq, it's great!... But unfortunately , there are no single one example to show me a race that world heard the oppressed people of Laponia... World'd mass-discrimination, biggest oppression onpoing n the EU and there is no single one true Human Rights defender in Bruxel.. The ridiculous figures of Bruxel EU department produce still lies on the Muslim world, but these shurks never try to see the dismissed Laponians od Scandinavia... - Why? - Because all the medial instruments stil n the hand of Jewish Mafia... - Then it's not strange all the Anti-Racist falsification leagues too sitting in the fame of same system.. - Definitely!.. This is very dangerous situation that top-chie fof ENAR is Mammele Whore Vera EGENBERGER... ECRI Chiefs all the Jewish whores and all connected sections recruit their own bastards like Evangelist fanatics or such piggies.. And al these institutions stil under Zionist occupation...They label themselves "Anti-Racist".. Ridiculous joke, Sir!.. How can I explain, look at this my little doggy;it is an animal, sitting here and I am labelling it "Lion"... Is it really "Lion" now? - No? - You are Nazi!... - What? - As long as you expose the real world, you are Nazi!.. As ong as you declare the truth so you are Communist, you are true relligious man, so you are Muslim!.. According to me, to my fake AntiRacist power you never welcomed.. Even you can't be credited by me and I'll hang out your posters via mmy medial machinery.. You'll be Nazi!... If majoority hate Laponians, so I'll label yoiu as "Laponian/Aborigian/Indigenous/Gypsy... So what! - Crazy!.. You are a big stinky dare!... You are dangerous provocator!.. - Yes!.. Yes!.. That's is right!. You are awakening now; I succeed about you!.. I would like to expose how all these top-whores are dangerous... Yes.. This is a stupidy affair, still droven under "legalized masks"... This is well-paid mafia and well-organized Fascist league but it labelled itself as "AntiRacist"... - We must piss off them!... - Do that, if you are human!... Defence your honoour against the provocaors, occupied our institutions!.. ** - In fact, I am not a kind Socialist nor National Socialist; also, it's your wrong when you called me "Nazi".. But as long as system dismiss the people and tageted them; so I'll stay by their side, as biggest Nazi!.. I fight for the baisc free-speech-rights of al National Socialists!... Understand?.. If your boss discriminates a poor woman, so I am just an aggressive Feminist there.. If your school closed to the Muslim Children because of their scarf or what, so I am just a warrior there, like an Intifada member and definitely a Muslim like a biggest steel monument.. - I understand! You are Communist!.. - Yes!.. If you listen to me, when I am Communist, then it's me; okay!.. No doubt!.. I am the Communist Guevaraist now, because you left me only one way to be serious by you!.. Isn't it?! Call me please STALIN, LENIN, MARX... All these labels are high level gold, honour medailles for me now!.. ** - What do you know anout the Holoco$$t industry? - As you say now, it's simply klassical affair of Zionist flock, it's absolutely biggest one of the industries... - Here is some additionally inof on such affairs... - I am istening to you!. Go on!.. - Lies of the Holocaust Industry Subjecting an ethnic group or nation to torture under any pretext is quite unacceptable, but it is worse when the suffering is abused, and it is the worst when a group tries to exaggerate the event for political purposes. By exaggerating the suffering of the Jews during World War II, Zionist groups and the Israeli regime are taking advantage of the situation by raising the issue at international organizations in order to neutralize any opposition to their diabolical plots. No one is trying to ignore the suffering of the Jews at the hands of the Nazis, but the suffering of a religious/ethnic group should not cause the world to forget the suffering of another nation or allow those who suffered persecution to do the same injustice to another nation. Every year on January 27 the media give wide coverage to the so-called Holocaust and Tel Aviv rebukes the world for the historic suffering that they claim they experienced in the past. Today the Holocaust has very complicated connotations. The exaggeration of this phenomenon can be interpreted as the Europeans’ attempt to salve their guilty consciences by handing over the lands of the Palestinian nation to a people to whom the Europeans believe they have done an injustice. After the end of the war in 1945, the Allies along with Zionist leaders began formulating strange conceptions about the killing of Jews at Nazi camps which a modern man can hardly accept. By conjuring up images of gas chambers, they are attempting to convey the idea that the Jews have undergone indescribable torture and that the world’s conscience should be awakened to this issue so that the Jews are not subjected to injustice again. In pursuit of this goal, the West, spearheaded by Britain and the United States, began sowing seeds for the seizure of Palestine and condemned the Palestinians to pay for a crime that the Westerners themselves had committed. Thus, this nation, which claims to have been the perennial victim of violence and torture over the course of history, is now doing the same thing to the Palestinians. It was not long before a group of revisionist historians in the West began to question the claim that six million Jews were butchered by the Nazis and even asked whether the slaughter of six million Jews during World War Two was possible or not. The revisionist historians have proven in two decades of study that if Hitler had carried out a systematic program to eradicate the Jews, it would have taken more time than the six years that the war lasted. They have also proven that such an act of ethnic cleansing through the use of the poison gas Zyklon-B, as the Zionists claim, was not possible at the time. Norman J. Finkelstein, a Jewish professor at New York University critical of Zionist policies, has called the claim the “Holocaust Industry”, which is only meant to boost support for the government of Israel. Over the past several decades and since the event was questioned, Zionist propagandists have tried to substantiate this claim through various means. The Zionists are trying to revitalize an issue which has become discredited in the eyes of world public opinion by using the press, radio, television, the Internet, and, most importantly of all, cinema and the great filmmaking industry in Hollywood, since most of the significant players of this influential industry are Jews. It can be said that any war, and particularly one that affects the world, will always lead to many problems and disasters, and World War II is no exception. Undoubtedly, the Nazi concentration camps were not holiday resorts and imposed various difficulties on the prisoners, just like any other detention camps in other wars. Many people in these camps, including innocent men, women and children, died of hunger, illness, and other causes. The victims were from different nations and ethnic groups, including the Jews, who also lost many people, but the Jews were not the only victims of the war and a greater number of innocent people from other ethnic groups also lost their lives. The issue of the Holocaust and the anniversaries held for the event are only meant to promote the repressive policies of the Zionists. The Jews suffered as a result of Hitler’s expansionism, just like other innocent victims but should not be granted special privileges over the others. The declaration that six million Jews were killed in World War II is an exaggeration of the truth. Furthermore, the suffering and pains of a nation cannot justify their crimes against other nations. The issue of the Holocaust is only being highlighted to cover up Israel’s crimes in Palestine. http://www.tehrantimes.com/Descript...=14&Num=001 ** - Comrade John LYNCH tells: http://www.geocities.com/carbonomics/indexcopy.html http://www.holywar.org/poster507.jpg http://www.teenschatlive.com/webboard/messages/6495.htm http://www.holywar.org/CART151.gif http://jollyroger.com/zz/ymilitaryd/REVOLUTIONARYWARhall/mobydicks.php http://www.holywar.org/poster533.jpg http://www.qurultay.org/eng/forum_msg_list.asp?id=140&FN=53 http://www.holywar.org/poster526.jpg http://www.folkmakt.nu/debatt/messages/5837.html http://www.holywar.org/poster524.jpg http://users.cgiforme.com/fbendz/messages/948.html http://pub3.bravenet.com/forum/236150122/fetch/432665/ http://englischlehrer.de/media/holocaust.php http://www.shariati.com/messages/4445.html http://www.holywar.org/poster507.jpg Independent Anti-Racist Brigades&National Socialists of EU&Solidarity with all kind Socialists&Marxists&true Muslim-Christian Brotherhood&oppressed Minorities like Laponians and Anti-Fascist Movements, who alll together struggle against Zionist Imperialism stop-manipulation@fight-back.org, fight_Fascist-Jewish-Imperialism@org |
| 18th April 2005 - 12:01:41 PM |
| 13164 : |
| that game kicks fucking ass |
| 18th April 2005 - 12:22:05 PM |
| 13165 : |
| what's with all this fucking poker spam - the only poker I'm interested in is to poker my cock into Diamonds sweet ass - maybe even poker my cock into his pretty mouth and skull fuck him until my jizz shoots out his eye sockets, ears and nose. |
| 18th April 2005 - 01:56:13 PM |
| 13166 : |
| When people are labeled 'abnormal' simply because of their differences, and discriminated against because of those differences, their entire being can become paralyzed. The voice of the mind is stifled, the voice of the heart is oppressed, and the voice of action becomes disabled. For many decades in America, homosexuals have suffered in this way. Homosexuality was not only discriminated against, it was made illegal and labeled a mental disorder. With the multicultural revolution of the '60s and '70s, we witnessed the beginnings of the arduous task of affirming the rights of oppressed people in our society, including homosexuals. For gay people, a benchmark of success in this movement occurred in 1973, when the "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" (DSM) removed homosexuality from its list of mental disorders. At last, as gay people, our differences were no longer pathologized and society began to not hold these differences against us, at least institutionally. This was one of the many markers in gay history that enabled us to rediscover our long impotent voices. Even so, there are still those who attempt to pathologize our expressions of love, to minimize who we are as human beings, and who look upon our community only in the context of our 'behavior,' rather than embracing each individual as a member of the human family. As a gay man living with HIV, I have found it difficult to hold the DSM in my hands, difficult to gaze upon its pages, and difficult to let go of the rage that I felt inside towards a book that was often referenced in the persecution of so many of my gay relations. But in my anger I came face to face with my own resistance-resistance to let go of the past, to look upon the pages of the DSM with a fresh mind, and to acknowledge the wisdom that this book holds. I recognized that my inability to rise above such a mindset mirrored that of the earlier authors of the DSM. This was a source of tremendous suffering for me. I often refer to the DSM in this article. I do so not to hold individuals in a pathological 'freeze-frame,' but rather as a tool to recognize particular paths, to understand the complex story of people. I am trying to explore my own resistance to the lives that we bear witness to here. Ultimately, I believe that we are all bound by love and the human covenant to deeply understand such lives. I must also begin with this disclaimer. The men I refer to as "Bug Chasers" are a very small fraction of the gay community. This article is not meant to sensationalize nor bring harm to my gay brothers. It is only my attempt to understand, embrace and ultimately love them-without want, resistance, or ignorance. Asking For Help I can remember the demonstrations in San Francisco, I can still feel the heavy sadness, still hear the chanting of the crowds, I can see the placards demanding assistance from the federal government, and I can still smell the burning of thousands of candles in memory of our dead. I can taste the salt of my tears. Our pain, our anger, our isolation, our grief, our hopelessness, and our helplessness brought us together. Help was all we were asking for. Gay had become the acronym for "Got AIDS Yet?" Out on a date I confided "I am HIV positive." His reply was "Who isn't?" Was it 1983? '84? '85? Was it Castro Street, Market Street, or Civic Center? Was it 10,000, 20,000, or 30,000 marching? This was the dawning of the AIDS community and help was all we were asking for. Year 2000. In Gay nightclubs across the U.S. men wear sleeveless shirts in hopes that someone will notice the tattoo "HIV-" blazoned across their deltoid. What is not so obvious is that the intention of such a tattoo is to attract someone who is HIV+. It is an invitation to infect through a practice known as "barebacking," having unprotected anal sex. In other words, the tattooed man is intentionally seeking an HIV+ partner to infect him with the virus. All that is left is a trip back to the tattoo artist to have that tattoo adjusted from negative to positive. Simple. Is help all these men are asking for? In private sex clubs across the U.S. men gather for a chance to participate in what is called Russian Roulette. Ten men are invited, nine are HIV-, one is HIV+. The men have agreed to not speak of AIDS, nor HIV. They participate in as many unsafe sexual encounters with each other as possible, thus increasing their chances to receive "the bug." These are the men known as 'Bug Chasers.' Is help all they are asking for? Suicide or Informed Consent? For most of us, our initial reaction to such behavior is shock. We could assume that men who do this are trying to commit suicide, consciously or unconsciously. We might demonize such behavior by blaming these men for the further spread of AIDS. My own initial reaction was a mix of deep sadness and concern, harsh and bitter judgment, accompanied by a dark fascination and an echo of familiarity. I wanted to see into and label such behavior, perhaps even to pathologize. I wanted to understand what was the fire of my judgment and the coolness of something so familiar. As I began to research, I turned first to the wisdom of psychology to try to understand. What could cause men to tempt fate so? There are many apparent reasons. Some men report that the element of danger in sexual encounters of this kind adds to the "rush" of arousal. There are men who, once infected, feel like they finally "belong," they are now part of the Gay community. Some find relief in knowing that now they don't have to worry about getting infected any more, the deed is done. Some believe the myth that HIV is a chronic manageable disease and that the new drugs promise them a long and healthy life. Some couples see infection as the deepest level of intimacy. No doubt any of the above explanations can be put forth as probable cause for such seemingly reckless self-destructive behavior. Yet I find myself stepping back from easy explanations. Generalizations such as these don't speak to me as truth, they merely touch the surface. The truth is that each individual has a different story that leads him to participate in this way. Each story has many layers, and these layers fall somewhere on a continuum between what is deemed 'abnormal' and 'normal' behavior. Although it is convenient to maintain a narrow reactive focus, the fact is that if we truly want to shed light on this subject and to understand, we must use our insight and our knowledge. "Bug Chasers" are members of the human family and it's important to embrace them as such. Conscious and Unconscious Intentions In reflecting on the stories of people I know and have read and heard about, it seems to me that Bug Chasing can be both conscious and unconscious. Such intentions seem to manifest differently in two distinct generations of gay men. The older generation are those who have lived through nearly two decades of loss and grief due to the ravages of HIV. The younger generation of Gay men have not been as affected by the multiple losses which have occurred in our community. In pointing out this difference, I do not mean to minimize the impact of emotions felt by the younger generation of Gay men about such losses. Rather, I choose these two generations as a marker of differentiation because there seems to be two very different themes that play out in participating in unsafe sexual behavior. The clinical disorders discussed in this article should not be considered absolute—some characteristics overlap into both generations while some disorders are more clearly present in one than the other. And by the way, and perhaps this will be a surprise to some, research reveals that most of these men, regardless of generation, are well informed and educated. The Unconscious Intention I believe that the "Bug Chasers" of the older generation of Gay men may possibly be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The diagnostic criteria in the DSM for PTSD is that the individual "has experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury... and that the person's response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror." The DSM also states, "Individuals with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder may describe painful guilt feelings about surviving when others did not survive or about the things they had to do to survive." Psychologist Walt Odets, in reference to the complex varieties of survivor guilt seen in HIV men, says, "HIV- men tend to be profoundly clinically depressed, anxious, disoriented, hypochondriachal, uncertain about the future, sexually dysfunctional, deeply demoralized and physically numb." He goes on to say that many HIV men "abuse alcohol or drugs, and their physicians prescribe them millions of dollars worth of tranquilizers, sleeping pills, anti-depressants and sedatives every year." Finally, Odets finds that more and more uninfected men now "live in nearly every detail like a dying man - disoriented, piecemeal, and with no assumption of the future." My own experience bears this out. In the larger Gay ghettos of San Francisco and elsewhere, I have met older Gay men who have lost all of their friends and avoid developing new relationships. Such men live in a world often characterized by increasing isolation, unresolved anger, substance abuse, and a lack of desire to participate in activities they once enjoyed. I recall some men who were HIV- in the late eighties attending support groups where they openly expressed their hopelessness and alienation as they witnessed their friends, their peers, and their generation die. I have witnessed many such individuals express disappointment and despair that they were still alive. I have heard men say it would have been easier to die with the complications of AIDS because living meant having to learn to cope with multiple loss. Add to all of this the terribly revealing fact that, as Michaelangelo Signorile recently wrote, "far too many gay men say they actually fear growing old in a gay world that puts the young and buffed on a pedestal while treating the over-35 crowd like lepers." The Intimacy of Bug Chasing For some men, the desire and quest for intimacy is also bundled into this equation of bug chasing. Some men may fetishize the HIV virus, and act in intimate ways to relate to it, while others may feel so 'below' another that they risk their own well being for a fleeting moment of intimacy. In an article in POZ Magazine, Michael Scarce challenges our ideas of what might be considered intimacy when he writes: "Charged Loads...offer a kind of permanent partnership, a connection out-side of time." He quotes an HIV+ man as saying, "It turns me on knowing how much he wants my come and how much he's willing to deal with to get it." Scarce goes on to state that "the sharing of semen and reclaiming its rich symbolic meanings," reflects the desire for intimacy. Sadly, I am skeptical that sharing of this kind can ultimately bring about the level of ongoing intimacy that these men are searching for. I do not, however, believe that Scarce is advocating bug chasing, per sé, but is wisely presenting us with an opportunity to examine intimacy beyond our narrow understanding of it. We might think that these men are out of their minds, but that judgement is the measure of our own resistance. We need to explore this resistance if we are to understand more completely these men who are undeniably our own. Confronting my own negative judgement, I ask myself, "How dare I project my ideas of intimacy onto another." After all, isn't that the same root of oppression towards homosexuality that has occurred throughout this past century? The Positives of Being HIV Positive Ian Young, in his article The AIDS Cult and Its Seroconverts, says that many HIV- men think "HIV positives live richer, more complex, more 'authentic' lives, get more attention, are better able to take risks including, significantly, the 'risk of intimacy' and with such risk-taking, life can be meaningful and full." I must confess that my own seroconversion (i.e. becoming HIV+) brought about tremendous grief coupled with a wonderful euphoric sense of liberation, of letting go-a liberation that taught me to love again. I know of many men, including myself, who, when they seroconverted, felt as though they were now encouraged to take better care of themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Coupled with such feelings, many of these same men also felt as though they were finally supported by the community that they once felt so alienated from. Confirming this, Young writes "An HIV+ test result, or even an AIDS diagnosis, frequently results in a decrease in anxiety!" Reacting with such positive emotions about such a devastating diagnosis seems quite strange at first, like a reversal in the logic stream. But this isn't about logic, it's about very complex psychological and emotional territory. It might be that such positive acceptance of finding oneself HIV positive arises developmentally from previous abnormal conditions. Such conditions might include chronic depression rooted in childhood unhappiness, socially induced guilt, and internalized homophobia. As these conditions develop, the opportunity to fully act out is then presented through barebacking and bug chasing. Seroconversion, in this case, may or may not be the goal. But it might also be argued that there is a conditioning factor inherent in Gay culture that rewards men for becoming HIV positive, as though it were a rite of passage. If so, this would be a relatively new (within the last 20 years) cultural development, and something that we would do well to bring into the light of consciousness and intention. Is such a self-injurious rite of passage what we want for ourselves? Is it not possible to love and accept one another without having to seroconvert? Without having to die to feel loved? A More Conscious Intention It is difficult for me to imagine being young and coming into my sexuality after two decades of AIDS, be it gay, straight, or otherwise. My own sexual liberation twenty years ago held no such fears or threats. I did not have to confront the choice of whether or not to adhere to the "do's" and "don't's" of my sexual expression. Such expression was not desensitized by latex, interrupted with "informed" negotiation, nor stalled by the doubt or mistrust of my partner's sexual history. Such expression flowed with the rhythms of the heart and the body, not the ticking of an apprehensive mind. But young people are coming into their sexuality, every day. HIV and AIDS are not new news. Their consciousness and choices are a world apart from what I and my generation experienced. And, given the world of choices and consequences they face, some choose barebacking and even bug chasing. I think, for most people, it is very easy to demonize these behaviors. I did. My initial thought was that such men suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder which, according to the DSM, is characterized by a "lack of empathy and tendency to be callous, cynical, and contemptuous of the feelings, rights, and suffering of others." The DSM goes on to say, "These individuals may also be irresponsible and exploitive in their sexual relationships," and "are more likely than people in the general population to die prematurely by violent means, e.g. suicide, accidents, and homicides." I assumed that these men had no sense of remorse for the harm they commit, not only to others, but to themselves. I imagined an impulsive behavior and a failure to conform to reasonable social norms. I judged them negatively as being sexually irresponsible, exploitive, and cavalier. Then I read the February '99 issue of POZ Magazine. It was dedicated to the subject of barebacking. POZ editor Walter Armstrong states, in reference to barebacking, "There has always been a strong outlaw element in gay sexuality, this is an extension." This statement stopped me dead in my tracks. I began to recall the many friends, now dead, who might have been considered sexual outlaws, who might be considered deviant, callous, non-empathetic, or anti-social by those who did not really know them. But I did know them. And was I an "outlaw" as well? As I thought about it, I tried to look more deeply, to understand, and to cultivate the insight I might need to become more compassionate in regards to them, and to myself. As insight and compassion deepened, that negative judgement about barebacking and bug chasing had to be re-examined. In light of this, I now view barebacking and bugchasing not as Antisocial Personality Disorder, but more as Self Inflicted Violence, or as I prefer to call it, Self Injurious Behavior. This realization turned the question from "how could someone do that?" to "how can I understand and help?" Seroconversion as a Rite of Passage As I read through the articles published in POZ, I found the young Gay men who advocated barebacking and bug chasing to be somewhat cavalier. The glamorization, eroticization, and the claims of deeper levels of intimacy made by these men would lead one to believe that they are indeed making informed choices in their sexual behavior. Consider, for example, this plea by Tony Valenzuela. In speaking about the practice of barebacking, he states, "We need to trust that young gay men will be wise in their decisions. They're not passive victims .... It's a huge disrespect to do otherwise." Can we trust that young gay men are "wise in their decisions" when they engage in barebacking? If so, are we able to extend such a trust to young gay men who are bug chasers? I do want to extend the trust that Tony Valenzuela and others ask for. At the same time, I don't accept all of these claims entirely at face value. My fear is that, if I were to do so, I wouldn't be getting to the deeper truth of this issue. To their credit, bareback advocates are at last speaking out about the behavior that has been quietly hidden away in the closet for the past two decades, and on the surface it is informed. But I believe there are others, not so outspoken, who may be equally informed, but whose intention and experience may be seen in the light of Self Injurious Behavior. For example, in the summer of 1999 I attended the Gay Men's Health Summit in Boulder Colorado. I recall speaking to a twenty year old man who openly shared with me his feelings of wanting to seroconvert. "I don't know why, I honestly don't know why." Informed, educated, but where is the depth of insight to such desire? What's driving it? Self Injurious Behavior may have several motivations. From the web site I found several points to consider that shed light on bug chasing. Self injurers say that their behavior offers: "escape from emptiness, depression ... relief from intense feelings... an expression of emotional pain ... escaping numbness ... a feeling of euphoria... a relief of anger... a sense of control over one's body... expressing or coping with feeling of alienation." We're right back to that self-injurious rite of passage. For many men, being gay in the 1990's is equated with being HIV+. Such thinking has divided our community, creating strong feelings of alienation and anger for many who are HIV- . How to heal this rift? By seroconverting, many men believe that they will finally be supported by the community they once felt alienated from. Michael Scarce writes "barebacking is equated with 'breeding' and infection with 'impregnation.' Some HIV bug chasers have gone so far as to consciously choose the individual gift-giver who will 'father' their HIV infection." Such a rite of passage for some undoubtedly completes their identification with being gay and deepens their role as a member of the community. I believe many Gay men experience a great deal of internalized shame and anger through awakening to, and acceptance of, their sexuality in a homophobic society. The resulting Self Injurious Behavior paradoxically provides an individual with an opportunity to nurture himself, "to make internal wounds external and to nurture and heal these wounds. . . it is much easier to take care of a visible, tangible wound than to care for internal or emotional damage," according to web site . Living with the constant fear of becoming HIV+ or dying with complications of AIDS often manifests in internalized anger or feelings of numbness. But, paradoxically, a positive HIV test result can provide relief for the person who has seroconverted. I believe what is being relieved is internalized rage, anger, and the numbness produced by excessive fear. The article Protease Dis-inhibitors? quotes a young man as saying, "That awful waiting is gone ... Maybe now that I am HIV positive, I can finally have my life." For me, it is not so hard to imagine living in such fear and numbness that one feels as though one doesn't even have a life. As I reflect on my own experience with sincere honesty, I must say that my life prior to HIV was very lonely and empty. It is as though HIV enabled me to discover the depths of myself and a new depth of connection with the greater human family through all of our suffering, not just my own. Something Absolute I am the "Bug Chaser." I am every man spoken of in this article. I am the man who has witnessed so many die while wishing that I was dying, too. I was once the hopeless, the depressed, the alienated, the physically numb. I was the one who could care less about the future; the one who felt so below another that I would put my life in jeopardy for that fleeting moment of intimacy. I was the man who slept with infected men, who had unprotected sex with these men, through the haze of alcohol, drugs, desire, and anger. I was the man who demonized my own behavior and hated myself for such behavior. I was the man who was asking for help in so many conscious and unconscious ways. I am the man whose life became full, whose life became meaningful after my seroconversion. I am the man who finally got his life back through a glimpse of liberation when I realized the depths of impermanence. I am the man who wanted to share the intimacy of suffering together and of healing together, and I am the man who knows true intimacy now. So often we grasp for absolutes, for that which is "right," that which is "wrong," that which is "normal," that which is "abnormal." But in our grasping, we set ourselves apart and bolster ourselves there with what appears to be "fact" or "truth," and our own personal experience. It's a thin security. I began my research into the behavior of bug chasing by turning to the wisdom of psychology to try to understand. But I have learned that, to get to the whole truth, we must let go of the definitions and the story, let go of the "bug chasers," for ultimately their story is not qualitatively different from the story of smokers, drug addicts, alcoholics and the rest of "us." Their story is little different from those who drive their cars too fast, or choose not to wear a seat belt, or use cell phones that cause brain tumors. Everyone is in the closet about something. The only real difference is the demonization of their behavior-and that's not about "them," it's about us. It is easy to condemn others for what they do, but are we able to own our own self-destructive tendencies, conscious or unconscious? Bug chasers are members of the human race, like everyone else. I once was taught that when we ask for help, we create the opportunity for love to be expressed in the world. I think back to the eighties and how we continually asked for help then. It is true that we were often ignored, but it is equally true that we were often heard. I have witnessed a great deal of love manifested in the world in this way. I know how difficult it is for me to ask for help. More often than not, the difficulty is identifying what I need help with and learning to articulate it. That which is absolute is the truth of our own hearts. That which is absolute is our willingness to look deeply into our own resistance and love what we discover there. In my journey, through researching and writing this article, I have had to come face to face with a tremendous amount of grief, a tremendous amount of self-demonization, a tremendous amount of truth that I had ignored for far too many years. It is difficult to love this part of myself but it becomes easier each time I re-read the words written here. It is through the cultivation of this love that I will be able to love my gay brothers who share this experience with me, and this I know as absolute. |