| 23rd June 2005 - 03:50:20 PM |
| 28245 : Lance Dickstrong |
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| 23rd June 2005 - 04:04:59 PM |
| 28246 : Tommy Chode |
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| 23rd June 2005 - 06:14:23 PM |
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| 28538 : |
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| 23rd June 2005 - 11:42:32 PM |
| 28540 : Kurt Steinberg |
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Pacific Poker 25% Bonus, Play with your friends Webmasters: Make Money from AdBrite Ads! Search Google: Search Amazon.com: Register Forums account - Buy SA Merchandise - Shop Through SA Affiliates - Advertise on SA Thursday, June 23 Update by: Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz 6 Ways to Ruin a Wedding In the past month I have been to over three weddings. I have ruined all of them. It is not something I am bragging about, or proud of in some sick way. I do not ask for mercy, only peace for my troubled conscience. I have hurt more people than you can fathom, all innocent victims of my destructive tomfoolery. If this update is a confession, then let it be my last, for after writing this I swore to never attend a wedding again. To this I pledge my life. #1. Bum everybody out by talking about the Cambodian genocide all night. Can I help it if I just saw The Killing Fields for the first time and was still in shock at the brutal atrocities conducted by the Khmer Rouge Communist Regime? I mean, those guys were real jerks. I didn't mind the whole killing-the-teachers-and-lawyers thing, but making everybody move out of the city and grow rice and then get hit in the back of the head with a stick really sucks. After a couple or ten drinks, I started telling fellow guests at my table about how the American bombing of Cambodia during the Vietnam War directly caused the fanatics to take power. Then I went on to explain the extreme methods of execution that were used on people deemed enemies of the revolution. The guests responded poorly and couldn't finish their reception dinners, leaving me alone at the table. I was very lonely for the rest of the night. #2. Get drunk and fall into the wedding cake. I like to drink, ok? Blame it on my hybrid Irish/Polish genes, my family history, or troubled past, but the fact is that I love my booze. This, plus an unlimited supply of free liquor, is a dangerous combination. I started off innocently enough, with a toast to the new bride and groom with a glass of light beer. Then I moved on to the jagerbombs. The next thing I remember is hitting on the bride's mother and putting my penis in the chocolate fountain. Then blackness enveloped me. At some point I remember doing the worm on the dance floor. Another missing scene. Then it happened: the moment of true shame. I was trying to stand on one foot while drinking a glass of vodka and I fell backwards into the wedding cake, soiling myself and the remnants of the cake in the process. I woke up in the woods the next day wearing a Native American headdress, a thong, and holding the DVD set of the series "Hitler's Henchmen". Right now I'm not on speaking terms with the newly-wedded couple. #3. Trade stocks on your cell phone during the wedding ceremony. They call me the Wall Street Kid in some circles, and "the stupid asshole screaming into his cell phone" in others. When I see a deal, I attack it like a mongoose: going for the supple hindquarters, and then dragging the remains back to my nest for leftovers and a bout of necrophilia. My love for money is only dwarfed by my love of booze, so its only natural that I am directly linked to my broker via speaker phone during market hours. If the wedding party can't understand the importance that trading has on freedom, then they should go back to Communist Russia and wait in line for carpet samples. #4. Harass the DJ into playing Journey songs. I hate these new age DJs whose setup consists of a computer playing MP3s. When I was a kid they had this thing called a CD player that would shoot space lasers into a plastic disc that contained the imprisoned souls of the popular music artists of the day. I kept bugging the ignorant DJ with his computer contraption to play some fucking Journey instead of all the gay slow songs but he kept blowing me off. After getting a little more sauced and belligerent, I became more insistent on my music request, trying to get my point across with the business end of my dress shoes. After a good thrashing, the bloated music spinster finally put on "Don't Stop Believing". The once-crowded dance floor parted like the Red Sea, not being able to handle the pure rock that was blasting in the wedding tent. I'm a pretty damn good dancer, so I went out there with a few of my buddies and showed those assholes how its done. After that the party died down and people started to leave in flocks. The DJ blamed Journey, but personally I blame violent video games and the fast food industry. #5. Screwing up the reception speech (The following is a transcript of the ill received reception speech given by Frolixo at his best friend's wedding on June 14th, 2005) "You know, I've known Kevin for over 10 years and I have never seen him as happy as he was today. I feel only joy in my heart that he found somebody so special, a very loving and beautiful woman that will be by his side for the rest of his life. When we were just kids, we used to always say that we would never get married and move off to California to become rock stars. (Polite laughter) Of course we never did end up becoming rock stars and now we are both married, using our amps as shelves for our various bottles of medicine. (Laughter) But seriously folks, lets give cheers to this great couple that has invited us here to witness this most blessed union. All your friends and family are happy for both of you. (Applause). WHITE POWER!" "Hey you wanna make out?" #6. Bring a butterfly as a date. What is wrong with our society when a man can't express his love for an insect of the Rhopalocera genus without the glare of hate and disapproval from the masses? In a time when gays are fighting for their rights to live in bondage with each other, you would think that the doors would open for other alternative lifestyles like lepidopterophilia. As I met the bride and groom's family, I shook hands and introduced my date, Sandy, who was perched on my shoulder, her beautiful wings fluttering in the slight breeze. Soon I became known as "the creepy butterfly guy" and was avoided like the plague. "They were just jealous of my love", I thought to myself as I gave my date another rum and coke, her proboscis dipping into the sweet liquid. Later on in the night when the party was heating up, the maid of honor let out a blood-curdling scream, pointing of my right shoulder. It was Sandy, dead from alcohol poisoning. The rest of the night was a real bummer. I'm not a bad person. Really, I'm not, I'm just terrible in large social situations filled with bordom and free drinks. Can you really blame me? If it is a crime to be a free spirit, than color me guilty, for no man can tame me, and these colors don't run. Go Pistons! The Daily Dirt Click here to certify for a pre-approved loan and volunteer for the Spanish navy. SPANISH NAVY. Hooray for Bollywood Dr. Thorpe has recovered from his fashion-related injuries and with a teal eyepatch and rust-colored paisley-print bandage he has returned to join Zack in the front lines. This time the intrepid pair are journeying to the forbidden lands of India and Pakistan to let the struggling peoples of these lands know just how bad the fashions appearing in their movie posters are. Dr. Thorpe: How come the guy in the middle is staring at the lamp instead of the genie who's magically popped out of it? "Genies are a dime a dozen, but look at this lamp! It's awesome!" Zack: That looks more like a gravy boat than a lamp. Maybe gravy boat genies suck. Like they only grant you one wish and it can't be worth more than thirty dollars. Dr. Thorpe: Even assuming all of their powers are gravy-related, I still think a gravy boat genie would be pretty neat. "Gravy boat genie, thicken up this gravy! I command it!" He'll probably hang around and baste your turkey all day on Thanksgiving so you can go in the living room and watch football. Zack: I bet any wish you make he turns it around into something bad. Like you wish he would thicken up the gravy and you come back and there are kids leaving handprints to dry in it. Or maybe he just takes a really long time and smells bad. Also after he grants your wish he hangs around for way too long afterward and it gets really uncomfortable. Stop reading this garbage and go read the article! You can tell all those muffinheads on the Attack of the Show forums that you heard it here while it was still cool. Awful Link of the Day Jor-El's World (thanks Darven) - Jor-El A'dam Ra is a visitor to early 21st century Earth from the 24th century. His mission is to coordinate planetary evolution in several ways: 1. To guide the evolutionary progress of groups and individuals 2. To provide humankind with a vision of the positive future that is its destiny 3. To use media to communicate the existing projects that are the seeds of that destiny 4. To network the people, projects and organizations that fulfill the mission. We entered Jor-El's World in the last five years of the second millennium, (1995-2000), a time of tumultuous change and challenge.......a time of crisis and opportunity! In addition to Jor-El/Ed Elkin's primary activities, he offers a link to a series of projects and games that have been initiated to guide humanity through the "eye of the needle", gracefully, powerfully, and succesfully. Teams of Evolutionary Agents are forming to steward each project. You are encouraged to join one or more of these projects creating "transition teams" to carry humankind into the next millennium. Post a comment in the forums Email Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz Submit an Awful Link of the Day Wednesday, June 22 Update by: Josh "Livestock" Boruff John Bolton, Agent of B.U.S.H. The power is yours! For the last two decades, Americans have been captivated by John Bolton's heroic struggle to be named United States Ambassador to the United Nations. Though his heart longs for the chance to shake spines and crack skulls at the UN, the nefarious Democrat party blocks him at every turn. Critics call John Bolton unfit for the job and are fighting to keep him as far away from the position as possible for fear he will use the position to destroy all mankind. Logically, you would think the Bush Administration would just find somebody less controversial to nominate, but apparently there is a real shortage of competent Americans for them to pick from. I would think this would single a need to put lots of money into education and breed a new generation of competent Americans, but then I'm very stupid. I'm very stupid, and probably a little biased in favor of disliking anybody in government. I think Democrats and Republicans stink equally, and would love to see some crazy socialist nutcases take over and make us all drive the same brand of car and give trophies to welfare moms and spray paint and megaphones to their untamed children. I favor this because I'm a spiteful jerk. The point I'm getting at is that I generally don't care for most elected officials because I think they just ramble on and act like idiots instead of getting actual, decent work done. And when they do do things, it's usually to let business get bigger or appoint more idiots to positions of power. We've wasted how many months on John Bolton? Just give up on the guy and get somebody who isn't going to piss people off. The White House stands by the whole "we want John Bolton to bust some fucking heads and clean up the UN like Mayor Mike Haggar cleaned up Metro City" line of reasoning, but why? It isn't America's job to reform the UN, especially if it doesn't like the UN. Extra especially if America needs reforms itself. I know the current thinking is that we know what's best for the world, but I'd rather we had people to dog us constantly and to play Devil's Advocate even when they agree. The U.S. media doesn't really do that, so I'd at least like the rest of the world to volunteer and help us out that way. Having people question the ever-loving fuck out of you means you actually have to have solid arguments for things, and that's A-OKAY in my book. Sure that's more rhetoric, but in some instances I'd rather have us talking about blowing up countries instead of actually blowing up countries. The rest of the world owes us this favor after we saved them in WWII and for all those reruns of "Baywatch" we shipped overseas. But since Bolton is destined to get the job anyway, we might as well get to know him a little better! So here's looking at you, John Bolton! John Bolton was grown as part of a top secret and highly advanced eugenics program along with actor Wilford Brimley. Members of this highly cantankerous batch can be identified by their distinctive mustaches and a barcode printed on their inner thighs. Complaining about the impotence of the UN, Bolton stated, "The Secretariat building in New York has 38 stories. If it lost ten stories, it wouldn't make a bit of difference." He then flew a plane into the top ten stories, knocking it down to 28 stories to prove his point. Bolton has been described as a "kiss-up, kick-down sort of guy" and "tender, but not huggable" by high ranking State Department officials. Raven Software based the "Soldier of Fortune" game franchise off the life of John Bolton. In these games you play as Bolton on a world tour as a mercenary for hire. In 2001, John Bolton condemned the Court of Camelot for concealing a WMD known as Excalibur. He later revealed that he was just getting "in the zone" for an upcoming renaissance fair. Bolton once proclaimed, "There is no such thing as the United Nations. There is only the international community, which can only be led by the only remaining superpower, which is the United States." What he meant to say to the rest of the world was, "neener neener neener!" Girlfriend, please! On day one of the Senate Confirmation Hearing, John Bolton made everybody cry and then threw mud at a girl. Experts warn that John Bolton's head is being consumed by hair, forecasting that by 2020, his mustache and hair might overtake his entire body. At this point a haircut would be all but inevitable. Former Senator Jesse Helms called Bolton, "the kind of man with whom I would want to stand at the gates of Armageddon." Proof once again that Americans love leaders ready and willing to lead them into THE APOCALYPSE. I realize some people might not care, but is it really a good idea to put people in high power that cause such derision? At some point don't you stop and think, "Oh fiddlesticks, most people seem to hate this guy! Maybe we better come up with someone else?" What happened to that kind of thinking? I suppose it probably never existed. Maily Mirt Today's article was brought to you by the Daily Dirt, the number "4," and a shadowy transnational corporation bent on pumping raw sewage into the upper atmosphere. They Might Be Abnormally Large This week, by popular demand, Dr. David Thorpe callously offends the geeks of the world by making fun of They Might Be Giants, a venerable institution in the realm of dorky novelty pop: "I swear, nobody else in the world of music can beat you over the head with a concept like Flansburgh, whose novelty songs are so tedious that he makes Weird Al Yankovic seem like master of subtlety. Songs like “Number Three” and “Alienation’s For the Rich” bear the indelible impression of Flansburgh thinking up some turn of phrase, mistaking it for witty, and deciding to write a hilarious ditty around it. It almost makes you feel sorry for Linnell, who has to agree to put them on the album (and maybe even pretend to like them) so Flansburgh will keep playing guitar for him, but then another Linnell song comes along and you realize that those are even more terrible in their own way." Take that, loyal cult following! You would be a bad sort of fool if you neglected to click on this link and read this particular article! Awful Link of the Day Lorien Trust (thanks TheDarkShirt) - Welcome to the latest round of "let's dress up like elves and run around like weirdoes at the local park!" I have never understood the phenomenon of live action role-playing, but then I've somehow managed to maintain a small amount of what scientists call "dignity." Have you seen "Lord of the Rings" or read the books? Ever thought of taking part in a world of Magic, Elves, Dwarves & Goblins? Yes, then why not try taking part in our fantasy adventure! Liking "Lord of the Rings" is one thing, but building horrifyingly lame looking cardboard castles in your backyard so that you and two dozen of your acne-cursed friends can fantasize and beat each other off with Nerf swords is just plain wrong. Honestly, if it's exercise you want, go get some proper exercise. Take up jogging or wrestling or whatever. God forbid, take up karate and be one of those jackasses who talks about martial arts all day. Just don't be a nerd in a green tunic shooting rubber-tipped arrows at some obese butter troll hiding behind a castle made out of old refrigerator packaging. We're trying to have a human race here, and you're dragging us into the mud. Post a comment in the forums Email Josh "Livestock" Boruff Submit an Awful Link of the Day Copyright 2005 Something Awful LLC. Jlist.com - Hentai games, Anime, and weird photo books of Japanese women's hands. Current Features: Fashion SWAT: "Bollywood SWAT" Your Band Sucks: "They Might Be Giants" Goldmine: The Lowest Rung On the Hollywood Ladder, Part 3 The Flash Tub: AWESOMEDOME Weekend Web: Spread Firefox, ChavScum, The Burn Book, and Aggressive.com The Official State Og F.A.Q. Photoshop Phriday: "Misadventures of Dick and Jane 2 (Part 2 of 2)" Fashion SWAT: "Retro SWAT 4" Be a true hero and advertise your crap here! HORNDOG Funny, Sexy, Hot Pics! Cityflirting Flirting adventures in the city Spam Cartoons Cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines! Summon Demons from Hell to do your Bidding (or at least your Laundry) PayPal Account PayPal Coupon Tradecoupon PayPal Coupon You Specify Discount Unlimited Free Ringtones Why pay per ringtone or per month like the rest? Thailand Nightlife Dr. Joker's guide to Thai Nightlife Webmasters: Make Money from AdBrite Ads! |
| 24th June 2005 - 03:21:45 AM |
| 28858 : |
| TRACY SMOTHERS CONTINUES TO CALL OUT JBL By: Adam Martin 6/23/2005 12:32:57 PM Recap written by Adam Martin of www.WrestleView.com Wrestling News Live welcomed former WWF, WCW and ECW star and a good friend of the show Tracy Smothers this past week. Smothers pulled no punches and got right to the issue of what took place involving the Blue Meanie at the ECW One Night Stand PPV two weeks ago, what he feels about WWE's JBL and his challenge to him. Be sure to log on to www.wrestlingnewslive.com for more information on how to listen to the show *live* every Sunday night or catch the archive every week with hosts the Trey Dawg, JSK & Adam Martin! - Tracy Smothers joins the show. Smothers lets the hosts know he is currently on the road on his way back from Lexington, Kentucky to his home in Nashville since he hadn't been home for a while due to his new busy schedule. Trey brings up how much Tracy had been in the news all last week. Smothers laughs and said that is what he heard. - Host JSK brings up how Tracy is coming off a few ECW reunion shows as he worked both the Hardcore Homecoming event on June 10 and then the One Night Stand event two days later on June 12. Smothers said the Hardcore Homecoming event was great because he got to see a lot of old faces he hadn't seen in a very long time. He brought up how much the ECW Arena had been renovated and that he heard they run boxing there now. Smothers said it looks great and you probably wouldn't even recognize that it is the same place. He noted how much hotter it gets in the building as it use to have a few lights and now it has close to 50. Smothers said the building was packed that night and the crowd was electric, making it feel just like old times. He said it didn't matter what they called it because the energy of the people that night made the show and that it was something you had to be there live to experience. Smothers said that place is where it is at and that you get pumped with so much adrenaline that you are prepared to go through a wall so to speak. He said it was well run and well organized as Shane Douglas, Scott D'Amore and Jeremy Borash were all on the ball that night. Smothers said everyone else involved was great and he heard they are going to try to do some more shows like it soon. - Smothers brought up how he faced The Blue Meanie on the card and how JT Smith was out there as well. He brought up how much Smith connects with the people. Smothers described Meanie as being "over like Rover." Trey brings up how he heard that a "dance off" took place during the match and noted that he has been at ringside with Tracy before and wondered how in the blue hell (no pun intended) he won a dance off. Smothers laughed and said he has no idea. He joked that he has no rhythm and can't even spell rhythm. Smothers said he was having fun with it that night and turning loose like always. Trey noted how he saw some pictures from the event on HardcoreHomecoming.com and how Tracy has buffed up. Smothers said he is trying and working hard at it. He said he has started to diet a lot more and worked on having smaller meals. Smothers brought up how he is doing his best to keep up with the "young guys" in the business today and described them as jacked up. - Talk turned to the ECW One Night Stand event later that weekend. Smothers said it was a cool event to be apart of and mentioned how Paul Heyman and Tommy Dreamer were basically running the show with everything going through Vince McMahon in the end. He said they were able to pull off an authentic ECW show just like Shane Douglas and his crew did with Hardcore Homecoming two days earlier. Smothers said it was great to see the old security guys and how back in the day you would never have to worry about a thing with them around at ringside. He put over how great WWE's production style was, but gave them credit for making it ECW authentic the way it came across on pay per view. Smothers talked about how great the matches were on the card and felt the Three Way Dance involving Tajiri, Super Crazy and Little Guido was outstanding, including the spot where Crazy did a moonsault into The FBI. He noted how much heat the guys from RAW and SmackDown were getting that night from the crowd in New York and said that is the most heat he ever saw anyone get in a quite a long time, especially JBL. Smothers said Joey Styles truly captured the moment when he said he wished time could sit still during the event. - Trey brought up how he read that many of the WWE talent who were asked to appear on the show really didn't want to show up because they knew the kind of heat they would get if they showed their face at the event. He asked if the heat on the WWE guys was really as loud and strong on pay per view as it was live. Smothers said he did his best to balance time watching the show on a monitor in the back after the Three Way Dance and then stepping out live as well. He said the crowd was all over the WWE guys and noted how much heat guys like Kurt Angle and JBL got when they ran down ECW on the mic. Smothers said he can't remember seeing a wrestling crowd that mad before in his career after they heard some of the stuff JBL said and joked that if the fans had guns that night all of the WWE guys would have been dead. He talked about how others felt having WWE guys apart of the show took away from the meaning, but noted he wasn't so sure about that opinion because it really got the fans involved. Smothers said JBL did a great job of feeding off the energy from the crowd that night and thought it was cool. He quickly noted he didn't think it was cool what he did to The Blue Meanie later in the night though, calling him a "chickensh*t." - JSK then dove in to that controversial situation that took place at the One Night Stand event involving JBL sucker punching Blue Meanie during the brawl in the main event and asked what it was like to see that live and be around it. Smothers said many of them didn't know what to expect when they came down those stairs and described them as a bunch of tough strong guys. He said when Kurt Angle and Tazz went at it, that is when everything started up in the ring between the ECW and WWE guys. Smothers said the first person he went after was Matt Morgan and noted how he almost broke him in half. He said he went after Tyson Tomko next and noted how strong he was as well. Smothers said after that he went in William Regal's direction and saw him get hit with a cane. Right after that, he saw something out of the corner of his eye take place involving JBL and Meanie. Smothers noted how "the tape doesn't lie" and that he went right to where the trouble was. He brought up how JBL tried to make up an excuse about why he did what he did. Smothers strongly shot that down and said "f*ck him!" He said it took a lot of guts for him to do what he did, especially when Meanie was already stapled up from the Hardcore Homecoming event two nights earlier. Smothers called JBL a "punk ass bitch" for what he did and that there was no reason to do something like that with 50 guys brawling in a ring. - Smothers said when Bradshaw first started in the wrestling business he was a really nice guy. He said he watches his promos and knows that he truly believes what he is saying. Smothers said he doesn't think it is funny or cool to make fun of the ECW talent and call them garbage. He said a lot of the guys that worked in ECW were guys he trained and they are like sons to him. Smothers said that is not very respectful on JBL's part to say stuff like that regardless if it is for a storyline or not. He said he didn't care if people in WWE didn't like that and said, "what are they going to do, fire me?" Host JSK asks Tracy if he thinks JBL was telling the truth when he said he was only defending himself against The Blue Meanie in the ring doing what he did. Smothers said that was not the case and that Meanie never saw him coming when he sucker punched him. He said Meanie would never bother anyone or intentionally start something like that. Smothers said that doesn't mean that Meanie could never take care of himself, calling him a tough guy. He notes that he doesn't take anything away from JBL, calling him a successful guy in the business with a book and his own radio show. Smothers said JBL is great on the radio and does a good job with that. He did say it was too bad his attitude got the better of him that night. Smothers mentioned how JBL started with Bobby Duncum Jr., describing him as a "hell of a guy" and how Duncum would be rolling over his grave if he knew what JBL was doing right now. - Host Trey Dawg asks Tracy why with all the things JBL does he doesn't feel any type of repercussion from the WWE for his actions. Smothers said he doesn't know, he doesn't work there and doesn't know how things operate in a situation like that. He notes that JBL needs to be very careful about the things he says in his promos, especially things like selling out Madison Square Garden when there is another 20 or so guys on the card who helped sell that show out as well and not just one person alone. Smothers said whether JBL likes it or not it doesn't all revolve around him. He does note that he is doing a good job right now of staying hated because he can't think of anyone else right now doing it better than him, adding that the fans are paying to hate him at the moment. - In the end, host JSK asks Tracy if he were to get a call from WWE to push this situation, would he go and further it. Smothers said he doesn't see anything like that happening and makes it known that he isn't looking at the situation from a business standpoint. He said it will never be about that because it is personal to him and that he is ready to meet him anywhere at this point to resolve it. Smothers said to bottom line it, he just wants to fight him and he isn't trying to get jobs elsewhere because of what took place. He said what makes it bad is that he won't get punished in the end for what he did and noted that if this took place in the "old days" that guys would have "beat his ass" for what he did to Meanie in the ring. Smothers called JBL low and said he could have been man enough to let Meanie know he wanted to fight instead of attacking him the way he did. In addition to talking about the situation involving JBL & Blue Meanie at ECW One Night Stand, Tracy also talks about what he has been up to lately on the road, where he will be appearing in the next few months and much more! Don't forget to check out www.wrestlingnewslive.com to hear the full audio version of this great interview! |
| 24th June 2005 - 03:49:43 AM |
| 28863 : |
| Romance of the Three Kingdoms X Question and Answer Topic From: Holy Angel | Posted: 6/23/2005 7:33:05 AM | Message Detail Well, I finally made the topic. I hope that with this, all of your questions will be answered. Xiahou Mao has agreed to help me with this one. So please start asking your questions. I'm currently writing a faq for this game as well so I might as well find out what you guys want to know right? --- "Trust can be easily destroyed but it can't be easily earned" From: Kayne0000 | Posted: 6/23/2005 7:43:39 AM | Message Detail What do you need to use the Lightning command? The description for Geo says Geo + wizzard. The description for Wizzard says Wizzard + Aero. Which one do I need? From: NeoAnduril | Posted: 6/23/2005 7:59:39 AM | Message Detail All three. --- The world under heaven, after a long period of division, tends to unite; after a long period of union, tends to divide. This has been so since antiquity. From: Kayne0000 | Posted: 6/23/2005 8:02:01 AM | Message Detail That's a real pai |
| 24th June 2005 - 04:06:31 AM |
| 28867 : |
| 06.21.05: Dr. David Thorpe - They Might Be Giants People have been asking me to make fun of They Might Be Giants for quite a while. I've always contended that They Might Be Giants do a perfectly good job of making fun of themselves by being goofy nerds with waning careers and annoying fans, so I've put off writing this for a long time. Plus, they're completely irrelevant, so I had to wait for a slow music-news week. Regular nerds are okay. They’re willing to stay up until six in the morning watching horror movies and drinking mountain dew, and they eventually grow up and get rich and let you sleep on their couch as long as you want. Sure, they may be a little too fond of D&D&D (Dungeons and Dragons and Dio), but that doesn’t mean they aren’t cool in their own way. But some nerds are more than just nerds. Some of them are real creeps. I’m sure you knew a few in high school: the kids who liked trains and transistor radios and freaked out if anyone mentioned sex and then had to change schools because they got caught masturbating in class. The worst of the nerds tended to pair off. There’d always be one who was a squirrelly, introverted spastic, and one who was a tiny bit better-looking and had maybe kissed a girl but was still a complete dweeb. Of course, the squirrelly one secretly thinks that his dapper friend is the coolest dude in the universe and is eaten up by jealousy, and the dapper one secretly thinks that the squirrelly one is cramping his style. This dynamic generally manifests itself as loud arguments over Star Trek minutiae. These duos can be found at just about any school in the nation, drawn together by the fact that nobody else can stand them. Instinctive self-bullying tactics. Imagine two of these kids forming a band. Surely they would have shrill, irritating voices, “hilariously weird” lyrics, and zany music videos. Their music would be just like them: sexless, and jittery; hiding behind wackiness and intellectual airs to conceal torment and misery; pathetic and annoying. Their fan base would consist of all the outcasts nerdy enough to tolerate them, mirroring the sad rejects-sticking-together dynamic of their friendship. I guess I don’t have to be coy about naming the band to which I refer, since you already read the title of this article (unless you navigate the internet by closing your eyes and clicking on stuff). I’m talking about The Might Be Giants, the novelty-indie-pop group with a massive cult following of nerds, children, and poor souls who don’t know any better. They started out as a typical nerd-duo like the one I described: John Linnell the skinny introverted spaz and John Flansburgh the slightly-more-hip one. It’s easy to picture them in school pretending to be robots, asking to smell girls’ hair, and refusing to change in front of the other boys in the locker room. When they got home, I imagine that they’d put ice packs over their black eyes and fuck around with tape recorders all night. It looks like a screenshot from a documentary about autism. As young adults, Linnell and Flansburgh managed to reinvent themselves as artsy New York hipsters and form a band. That may sound far-fetched, but keep in mind that just about every influential New York hipster (Andy Warhol, Lou Reed, Michael Alig) started out as a creepy little weirdo. They released their eponymous debut album in 1986; the album was a template for their future releases, since it established their chirpy musical direction and divided its tracks between Linnell’s wearying wackiness and Flansburgh’s infuriating gimmick-songs. I swear, nobody else in the world of music can beat you over the head with a concept like Flansburgh, whose novelty songs are so tedious that he makes Weird Al Yankovic seem like master of subtlety. Songs like “Number Three” and “Alienation’s For the Rich” bear the indelible impression of Flansburgh thinking up some turn of phrase, mistaking it for witty, and deciding to write a hilarious ditty around it. It almost makes you feel sorry for Linnell, who has to agree to put them on the album (and maybe even pretend to like them) so Flansburgh will keep playing guitar for him, but then another Linnell song comes along and you realize that those are even more terrible in their own way. If anthropologists of the future ever sit down to categorize the sundry varieties of nerd and require as precise a definition for “spaz” as possible, they need only listen to the drum machine/guitar intro to “Don’t Let’s Start.” If you close your eyes and listen closely, a crystal-clear mental image of a skinny kid getting his head dipped in a flushing toilet materializes in the mind’s eye and repeats for the duration of the song. Maybe this is the difference between how a They Might Be Giants fan relates to the song and how a non-fan does: fans swell with pride and imagine their own heads being dunked, and the non-fans become enraged and picture themselves administering the swirlies. John Linnell: The Creepy One. Their second album, Lincoln, presented more of the same creepy Linnell nerd-insanity and irritating Flansburgh novelty crap (which hits its abysmal low-point with “Santa’s Beard,” which is both a big-concept novelty song and a shitty holiday song). The album’s peak of dorkiness is “They’ll Need a Crane,” which is such a clumsy and hackneyed take on relationships that one can only imagine that it’s nothing more than Linnell’s baseless speculations on what being with a girl would be like. While Lincoln did little more than tread water, their third record was something of an overhaul. It was their first record released on a major label (and, amazingly, not their last), so they had to step up their game a little bit. If anyone dares accuse They Might Be Giants of being frivolous and having nothing to say, I challenge them to listen to “Your Racist Friend,” TMBG’s bold stab at social commentary. With this song, They Might Be Giants have clumsily established themselves as men of principles, men who are sort of generally and non-specifically opposed to racism, and to talking to racists at dinner parties. Bravo, John and John, your shaky commitment to wishy-washy liberalism will surely give you something to talk about next time the NPR-patrol comes around to suck your dicks (did I mention that all NPR personalities inexplicably love They Might Be Giants? It must have something to do with being in the AV club in high school). The album also boasted the minor hit “Birdhouse in your Soul,” which was sung from the perspective of a night light, allaying the fears of all their bedwetting-pussy fans. While the less-successful follow-up Apollo 18 mostly treaded water, it did feature quite a heavy-handed gimmick. In a last-ditch effort to make the record memorable, The Johns included twenty very brief tracks labeled as “Fingertips,” which were designed to be scattered around when the CD was put on shuffle. Both the concept and the content are testaments to the fact that no idea is too stupid for They Might Be Giants. Fingertips provided a perfect clearinghouse for worthless song-fragments which weren’t good enough to use but somehow couldn’t be left behind. Maybe one of the symptoms of whatever mental disease John Linnell has is ceaselessly hoarding garbage, even musical garbage; their long-standing Dial-a-Song service is evidence of this (fans can call an answering machine maintained by They Might Be Giants and hear miscellaneous demos, works in progress, and pure crap). Retrospectively, Apollo 18 was basically the band’s last gasp; 1996’s John Henry added a live band, which somehow managed to make them sound even more amateur than before. After that, we were treated to several increasingly miserable albums. Perhaps the creepy nerds we were used to simply grew up and stopped being such geeks; the only thing worse than novelty geek-rock is novelty geek-rock that sounds forced and phony. Even despite a run of four poorly-received albums in a row (five if you count a 1999 internet-only release which featured plenty of re-worked versions of Dial-a-Song detritus), the Johns had some steam left in their career at the turn of the millennium. Well, I’m not sure if “steam” is the right word, unless you define steam as “the capacity to irritate.” They Might Be Giants have always had an appeal to children similar to that of a van full of puppies, so it was only natural that they would break their fall by grabbing onto the lowest rung of the rickety rope ladder hanging from the helicopter of fame: children’s records. In 2002, they released No!, a collection of insidious mind-programming tools designed to turn your children into friendless nebbishes; they followed it up this year with “Here Come the ABCs,” which I will admit to not having heard, even though it takes some of the credibility out of my assessment that it sucks (then again, at some point we have to just learn from experience and develop a natural prejudice; if someone said to me, “hey Dave, the Nazis are back!” I’d say “hey, fuck those guys” without waiting around to see if they were different this time). These dudes are They Might Be Giants fans, meaning they're too lame to listen to Morrissey. From their beginnings as pitiful young nerds to their heyday as well-regarded indie rock nerds to their continuing dotage as middle-aged men pretending to be pitiful young nerds, They Might Be Giants have cut a bloody swath of ugly novelty songs and annoying geek-pop across the American musical landscape, raising an army of impressionable and friendless teenage geeks to buy their zany records and attend their zany concerts. Even if their power over nerd-America has diminished, their legacy of minor college radio hits and their cult of socially inept gee-I’m-wacky dipshits remain. And what’s worse, now we have to keep them away from our children, too. Remember: if your child asks for a They Might Be Giants album, slap him hard in the face and buy him a basketball and a copy of Penthouse and Replacements album instead. If you have any questions, comments, or, God forbid, complaints, you can send them to davidthorpe@somethingawful.com. I’d like to thank and acknowledge the Something Awful Forum Goons and various people who e-mailed me for constantly badgering me to write about They Might Be Giants, because lord knows they deserved it. Also, if you're inclined to do so, check out today's Daily Dirt for some worthless insight into nothing in particular. |
| 24th June 2005 - 04:31:41 AM |
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| Zack: Oh man, it's like the good witch version of that other girl. Much less formal as well. It almost looks like a golden-armed spider is reaching out to grab her from behind. Lowtax: Zack "Preppy" Morris in drag and being attacked by a golden centipede. Oh man, that's two "Saved by the Bell" references in one update. That should be illegal. Zack: There are laws on the books but since Saved By the Bell was cancelled I think only Screech's Law is still commonly enforced. That's the one where you get sent to Uzbekistan if you make a joke about Mario Lopez raping Dustin Diamond in a public restroom. Lowtax: I think she was watching a bunch of Hawaiian Hula dancers, and one of their leis flew off and stuck to her awesome sweatshirt, which as far as I can tell, is composed entirely of industrial strength glue. Zack: Yeah, she's going to have a lot of trouble getting that fist off her hip. She's keeping her other hand on her head to make sure it doesn't get mired in the glue. Lowtax: I'd like to find the man who came up with the glue wardrobe and give them a big pat on the back. Figuratively, of course. Zack: Oh, like the creator wears the glue shirts. Do you think the guy who came up with hair shirts wore those? It's a form of torture, not something you would want to wear for fashion purposes. By the end of the day this girl is going to look like the bottom of a coin tray in a taxicab, covered with grime, pennies, cigarette ash, and pubic hair. Lowtax: The first line of clothing exclusively created to clean taxi cabs. Somehow I don't see this selling all that well. Somebody apparently also shot a round of silver projectiles at her, but luckily the glue shirt caught them all before they could hit a major hair artery. Zack: It's great if you're a parent and you want to know if your kid somersaults even though you told them not to. You'll find them at the bottom of a hill still rolled into a ball and covered with grass and leaves. Lowtax: Everything about this picture screams "Texas." I don't know what it is. Zack: I think it looks more like the Florida panhandle turned on its side. Or Africa. Maybe the glue is supposed to catch AIDS. Lowtax: Then wouldn't the glue be on the inside of the shirt? Zack: No, it's supposed to protect you in case an AIDS person explodes in a shower of blood or something. That's what happens, right? Like in Max Headroom? Lowtax: Damn it Zack, that was my best zinger of the night and you just completely glossed over it. I'm turning the glue shirt on myself. Zack: Don't do it! Lowtax: By this time tomorrow, you will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if I did any somersaults. |
| 24th June 2005 - 08:41:19 AM |
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| http://screeeeeeh.ytmnd.com/ |
| 24th June 2005 - 09:33:14 AM |
| 28870 : abd |
| je sui gay je cherche un relationseurieu |
| 24th June 2005 - 10:03:47 AM |
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| the ytmnd for screech is awesome, I lost several loads to it, although you should have thrown in some of Screech saying zoinks. |
| 24th June 2005 - 10:55:51 AM |
| 28872 : Lance Dickstrong |
| I'm going to the dumpster scene tonight behind the Abbey in West Hollywood. It's quickly becoming a hot spot for queers dressed in their saved by the bell costumes to go looking for a hot lunch. I once went dressed as Michael Rogers from the college years. Damn I got a lot of dick and ass that night. I had a sweet mullet and a shirt with sleeves cut off and tight jeans, I was pretty hot, I would have fucked me. At first a lot of people didn't know who I was dressed as because not a lot of them watched the college years. I think Michael used to go into the dorm of AC, Zack and Screech and give them the date rape drug and go to town. I would re-enact the scene where the guys pledge a frat and they are waiting for the frat guys to come get them as a sign that they were in the frat.Michael comes in the middle of the night and blindfolds them and tells them they have to suck his dick to be in the frat, so they all do it and Screeches blindfold falls off, he sees Michael and doesn't say anything to anyone. |