| 24th June 2005 - 12:49:30 PM |
| 29175 : |
| Salutations! I'm glad you could join me today. I am in the middle of things so please bear with me. I'm working on a butt-rock power ballad written for the Theremin. If you move your hand up and then sort of wiggle it around it will make this awesome oooeeeooeee ooeeeeeeee ooooo sound and that's where the chorus breaks in "cuckoo, angel baby, I'm in love, with Crown Gravy" PYRO! BANG! BANG! Light up the night. There are people who work on oil platforms and pretty much their only job is to dive down to these incredibly dangerous depths and scrape barnacles off of the support pylons for the oil platform. 24 hours in a decompression chamber, potential nitrogen narcosis, burst organs and they are underwater moss removers. But during the off time they live like kings. You can build up a lot of savings out on an oil rig. Amazon doesn't deliver to them. Yet. Somewhere out there is an oil rig diver who comes back from a tour of deep diving and barnacle scraping and he buys every back issue of Spiderman he can find and explores the soda aisle at the grocery store to see what toxic sludge has been combined with Mountain Dew while he was gone. It's Mountain Dew Riptide, packed full of delicious Seaborgium. Atomic Number 106, a gas at room temperature, well-suited for infusing a coconut-flavored hyper-caffeinated soft drink. It's the perfect pick-me-up for the barnacle diver who just wants to feel energized for a long night of reading Spiderman comics and macroing his Dark Age of Camelot character. Seaborgium is so rare and precious that even Microsoft Word's comprehensive dictionary doesn't recognize Seaborgium. Like the Nintendo Gamecube or the Sony Playstation. If Sony made a word processor's spellchecker would they include the Xbox? Would it know what Seaborgium was? Could it really learn to love? Thanks to the Internet I've seen a video of a woman shooting live eels out of her vagina, a Russian guy having his throat cut and a kid lighting himself on fire after filling a watermelon with gasoline. I've seen lots of terrible and amazing things, but I've never seen a video available for download that was just a happy birthday party. Are happy birthday parties just that hard to come by? Is it so wrong for me to want to just download one and laugh with the opposite of schadenfreude? Hey, look at their good fortune! Haha, that guy sure is happy about that great gift he got! Nope, guess it's back to the Japanese woman shitting an egg enema into a pan and then eating the poop egg omelet. I think Rich "Lowtax" Canuckles wanted me to write about politics today, which is pretty much a complete reversal because usually he yells at me and breaks out the pimp hand when I start ranting about how much I hate Tom DeLay. A girl can't help it. I really hate Tom DeLay. But today's political stories include such winners as "Ban on Flag Burning Passes House" and obviously that particular house is full of pussies who cry in their sad cups whenever a piece of cloth gets burned. No one is going to disagree except for faggots, and I don't mean the gay kind of faggot, I mean the kind who pronounces "Osama" like someone saying "asthma" in "Lord of the Flies." Also topping the headlines today is the fact that the US government hates porn. I may have to take down all of the porn images in the Horrors of Porn reviews because we don't have some ridiculous amount of actress age records on file with our fictional attorney. Great job US Government, you win again, you're on the path to success. At least I didn't have to hear shadow conservative Hillary Clinton break out the drama over video games in the past 24 hours. Oh laws no Miss Scarlet! This games ah gunna give me the vapors with all these shootins and beatens and what have you. It's baby time for babies and we need someone to protect our kids from the deadly terror of Kirby's Cloudland Happytime Cake Adventure. Why did iD have to go and release Doom 3 so that their outrageously obsolete Doom references suddenly became vaguely relevant again? I blame the liberal media and Jewish banking. Fourthly, did you know that eminent domain includes seizing your entire home and business to build a government-run office complex? I hope they rent out the bottom floor to Starbucks so that I can sip a double milk grande latte while I remember growing up in this house. Oh, I remember the stories ma used to read to me after tucking me into my bed in the center of County Comptroller Wayne Duncan's office. Even better, maybe they'll just seize my family business and let Wal-Mart open up a mega center there. You know, the kind where you can buy a pie, tires, a cat, and family pictures all in one trip. I wonder if Chet in the photolab can adequately capture the gravitas of my sorrow over the loss of 120 years of family tradition using only a stock 35mm camera and the "Arizona Sunset" backdrop? That bubble of spittle in the corner of his mouth tells me he graduated high school photography with at least a C, so I'm guessing "yes." Oh wow, I never knew dusk in Arizona looked like a bunch of vague dark red clouds. You're a miracle worker Chet. I think in this third one here you can actually see my spirit unfurl like a burned flag. No, no Chet, I mean that figuratively. Of course, what kind of maniac would dare touch fire to God's Flag? Can I get that one in an 8 ½ by 11? Three for a dollar, you say? Well hell, just set the envelope on top of the pie. My favorite book of the Bible is Deuteronomy. That thing is a way more violent version of "Birth of a Nation." Half of Chapter 2 is about how subhuman slaves need to respect their masters, which is awesome since whole books of the Bible are about how slaves have to murder their Egyptian masters. Throughout the other half of Chapter 2 and most of Chapter 3 of Deuteronomy God sends the Israelites out and they go from town to town killing every man, woman, and child. That's a seriously hard ass religion of peace. If you read some of the other stuff it's crazy too. The Bible is just madcap. I absolutely love the part where the angels come down to Lot and the crazed homosexuals start banging on the door because they want to have sex with the angels. But Lot loves God so he is like "here rape my daughters instead." Way to go dad. How can people take this shit seriously? Maybe I'm being too hard on them. It's a big book and it is a staggering work of bad writing and sloppy narrative. It's like if you took all of Steven King's books and jammed them into one mega volume and then scrambled up the sentence structures. Then you'd also have to add a bunch of anachronistic language and phrasing to give you mad street cred for when you are about to shoot a criminal and you want to say something dramatic and awesome like "woe betide he who maketh me mad for I am vengeance" or something like that. Yeah man, that Randal Flagg guy was in all of his books all along and he planned it from the start. He fights Jesus and then some dragons come down and a virus kills everybody and don't forget if you marry a girl and she's not a virgin you get to have your car eat her. Then 144,000 chosen faithful can fly alien lawnmowers to heaven while Satan and his Langoliers destroy divergent time. Good job for living Donnie Darko. Fucking garbage. I'm sorry, I can't take Darwin seriously anymore either, but I blame that one on "SeaQuest DSV." Roy Scheider could kill Jaws like five times but he couldn't come up with a computer that didn't make his dolphin sound like a muppet? If I were a dolphin I would be pissed. I would swim as fast as possible and ram my nose into some six pack rings or tuna nets just to prove a point. Enjoy your not-dolphin-safe tuna, Blue Thunder. Great news for those of you who are reading this who also happen to be soullessly evil: De Beers has opened its first retail outlet in the United States. In case you aren't up to speed on who De Beers is, they are a diamond cartel that has a virtual monopoly on the natural diamond market, controls diamond prices, and uses slave labor and deals with regional warlords to extract diamonds from Africa. They make Halliburton or Enron look like Hug Time at the Cupcake Parade. Dim bulb luminary Lindsay Lohan was in attendance for the New York store's grand opening to show off how she ruined her scrumptious figure by becoming a titless stick girl composed of sinew and gristle. She probably got a free tennis bracelet that still had part of a 9-year-old African boy's foot attached to it. When asked what she thought of the protestors Lohan's neck-cords strained at their emaciated moorings and she rasped out ""I don't get involved in any drama." Oh really, Lindsay Lohan? Is that why you're practically attached at the syphilitic uterus to Paris Hilton? She's a real safe harbor in the uncertain seas of drama. Teri Hatcher was there too. I remember having a huge dork boner for her back when she was on that Superman show with "Dragon Fighter's" Dean Cain. Then I saw "Heaven's Prisoners" where she steps out onto a New Orleans balcony topless and her breasts looked like ziplocks full of custard stapled to a sawhorse. Call me shallow, but I haven't been tempted to jack off to a Radio Shack commercial ever since. Her banter with "Firestorm's" Howie Long in those commercials had me reaching for the nearest receptacle capable of holding half of a regurgitated pizza. A little tip for the wise if you're ever in a similar situation: it's pretty much impossible to projectile vomit into a 20 ounce soda bottle cleanly. Maybe some sort of vomit specialist could pull it off, but I skipped that class at the Al Qaeda training camp. Battlefield 2 is an enormous improvement over Battlefield: 1942. By removing three digits from the title they have streamlined gameplay, added a strategic element, and incorporated some intense new improvements like the ability to drive a tank out into the ocean and shoot at rubber rafts. The best part about Battlefield 2 is sometimes when you jump out of a buggy or a rubber raft it will be going like half a mile an hour still and right as you jump out it will lightly touch you and you'll scream and fall over dead. It could be lazy programming or maybe, just maybe, they have finally incorporated all of the demands for poison covered vehicles from people on their forums. In Battlefield 2 all of America's potential Middle Eastern enemies have been transformed into the Middle Eastern Coalition or MEC. As was the case in the terrible game Act of War, the idea of asymmetrical warfare just isn't fun so bad guys have to be reorganized into a complimentary and fairly balanced force so that we can fight them. But hey, I'm sure all of the insurgents in Iraq have parachutes in case they need to jump off of a building to race to their SU-34 attack jet. When is Donald Rumsfeld going to provide the armor needed to protect our military's Hummers from wire-guided Ataka anti-tank missiles launched from hovering Mi-28 Havok attack helicopters? Never! Fucking Halliburton! By the way, did I mention that I hate Tom Fucking DeLay? He's a pretty giant cunt. I went to the Ohio Caverns as a kid and that's the kind of cunt Tom DeLay is. The kind of cunt full of stalactites and geodes that get folksy nicknames from the tour guide like "Old Man's Moonshine" and "The Cat's Eye." There is probably even a river inside Tom DeLay somewhere, loaded with albino crustaceans that have evolved in an environment with so little light that they actually see sounds. Every time he blocks a vote on anti-slavery legislation in Saipan one of those little white crabs gets a little bigger and a little meaner. When he dies his face is going to split open and they'll just come pouring out in a great wave. Millions upon millions of fat white crabs, just pinching and echolocating the fuck out of us all. Could Photoshop Phriday Give Your Children Cancer? Greetings mere mortals, Livestock here to let you know there is a new Photoshop Phriday, as opposed to a rerun. This week the Something Awful Forum Goons dabble in the realm of media sensationalism and stupidity. Click here to activate your browsers forward thrusters and travel to the realm of wherever this link goes! Click here to view an awesome recipe for horse lung! Awful Link of the Day Energels - Energized Water (thanks xdrquinnx) - Have you ever been really thirsty and downed a nice refreshing glass of water? Who hasn't? Nazis maybe. For the rest of us, water has been a thirst-quenching sensation. But what if we could make water better? No, not by putting chemicals or vitamins in it. I'm talking make it better by putting energy in it! Energize your water. The human body needs energy after all. An Energy Mug to energize your water in 1-2 minutes... Highly charged water inside the hollow of the mug transfers positive information to your drinks (water, juice, coffee, colas), giving them a positive spin and a sweeter, softer, less acidic taste. This information stays with the drink even when poured into another glass. (Do Not X-Ray Or Microwave). That sounds awesome! But how does this amazing system work? The PX ESSENTIAL ENERGY WATER SYSTEM was discovered in 1995 by Manfred Bauer, a German scientist. Manfred developed the process to change ordinary water from a negative reading to an energized, positive reading. He can produce water with a reading as high as 2.5 million Bovis. Water in this highly charged state allows the immune system to function more effectively to eliminate disease and lower inappropriate inflammation. 2.5 million Bovis?! That's practically off the Bovis charts! Why, that's more Bovis than ten microwave ovens running at once, all in a glass of ice cold and refreshing water! Drink up! Post a comment in the forums Email Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons Submit an Awful Link of the Day Thursday, June 23 Update by: Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz 6 Ways to Ruin a Wedding In the past month I have been to over three weddings. I have ruined all of them. It is not something I am bragging about, or proud of in some sick way. I do not ask for mercy, only peace for my troubled conscience. I have hurt more people than you can fathom, all innocent victims of my destructive tomfoolery. If this update is a confession, then let it be my last, for after writing this I swore to never attend a wedding again. To this I pledge my life. #1. Bum everybody out by talking about the Cambodian genocide all night. Can I help it if I just saw The Killing Fields for the first time and was still in shock at the brutal atrocities conducted by the Khmer Rouge Communist Regime? I mean, those guys were real jerks. I didn't mind the whole killing-the-teachers-and-lawyers thing, but making everybody move out of the city and grow rice and then get hit in the back of the head with a stick really sucks. After a couple or ten drinks, I started telling fellow guests at my table about how the American bombing of Cambodia during the Vietnam War directly caused the fanatics to take power. Then I went on to explain the extreme methods of execution that were used on people deemed enemies of the revolution. The guests responded poorly and couldn't finish their reception dinners, leaving me alone at the table. I was very lonely for the rest of the night. #2. Get drunk and fall into the wedding cake. I like to drink, ok? Blame it on my hybrid Irish/Polish genes, my family history, or troubled past, but the fact is that I love my booze. This, plus an unlimited supply of free liquor, is a dangerous combination. I started off innocently enough, with a toast to the new bride and groom with a glass of light beer. Then I moved on to the jagerbombs. The next thing I remember is hitting on the bride's mother and putting my penis in the chocolate fountain. Then blackness enveloped me. At some point I remember doing the worm on the dance floor. Another missing scene. Then it happened: the moment of true shame. I was trying to stand on one foot while drinking a glass of vodka and I fell backwards into the wedding cake, soiling myself and the remnants of the cake in the process. I woke up in the woods the next day wearing a Native American headdress, a thong, and holding the DVD set of the series "Hitler's Henchmen". Right now I'm not on speaking terms with the newly-wedded couple. #3. Trade stocks on your cell phone during the wedding ceremony. They call me the Wall Street Kid in some circles, and "the stupid asshole screaming into his cell phone" in others. When I see a deal, I attack it like a mongoose: going for the supple hindquarters, and then dragging the remains back to my nest for leftovers and a bout of necrophilia. My love for money is only dwarfed by my love of booze, so its only natural that I am directly linked to my broker via speaker phone during market hours. If the wedding party can't understand the importance that trading has on freedom, then they should go back to Communist Russia and wait in line for carpet samples. #4. Harass the DJ into playing Journey songs. I hate these new age DJs whose setup consists of a computer playing MP3s. When I was a kid they had this thing called a CD player that would shoot space lasers into a plastic disc that contained the imprisoned souls of the popular music artists of the day. I kept bugging the ignorant DJ with his computer contraption to play some fucking Journey instead of all the gay slow songs but he kept blowing me off. After getting a little more sauced and belligerent, I became more insistent on my music request, trying to get my point across with the business end of my dress shoes. After a good thrashing, the bloated music spinster finally put on "Don't Stop Believing". The once-crowded dance floor parted like the Red Sea, not being able to handle the pure rock that was blasting in the wedding tent. I'm a pretty damn good dancer, so I went out there with a few of my buddies and showed those assholes how its done. After that the party died down and people started to leave in flocks. The DJ blamed Journey, but personally I blame violent video games and the fast food industry. #5. Screwing up the reception speech (The following is a transcript of the ill received reception speech given by Frolixo at his best friend's wedding on June 14th, 2005) "You know, I've known Kevin for over 10 years and I have never seen him as happy as he was today. I feel only joy in my heart that he found somebody so special, a very loving and beautiful woman that will be by his side for the rest of his life. When we were just kids, we used to always say that we would never get married and move off to California to become rock stars. (Polite laughter) Of course we never did end up becoming rock stars and now we are both married, using our amps as shelves for our various bottles of medicine. (Laughter) But seriously folks, lets give cheers to this great couple that has invited us here to witness this most blessed union. All your friends and family are happy for both of you. (Applause). WHITE POWER!" "Hey you wanna make out?" #6. Bring a butterfly as a date. What is wrong with our society when a man can't express his love for an insect of the Rhopalocera genus without the glare of hate and disapproval from the masses? In a time when gays are fighting for their rights to live in bondage with each other, you would think that the doors would open for other alternative lifestyles like lepidopterophilia. As I met the bride and groom's family, I shook hands and introduced my date, Sandy, who was perched on my shoulder, her beautiful wings fluttering in the slight breeze. Soon I became known as "the creepy butterfly guy" and was avoided like the plague. "They were just jealous of my love", I thought to myself as I gave my date another rum and coke, her proboscis dipping into the sweet liquid. Later on in the night when the party was heating up, the maid of honor let out a blood-curdling scream, pointing of my right shoulder. It was Sandy, dead from alcohol poisoning. The rest of the night was a real bummer. I'm not a bad person. Really, I'm not, I'm just terrible in large social situations filled with bordom and free drinks. Can you really blame me? If it is a crime to be a free spirit, than color me guilty, for no man can tame me, and these colors don't run. Go Pistons! The Daily Dirt Click here to certify for a pre-approved loan and volunteer for the Spanish navy. SPANISH NAVY. Hooray for Bollywood Dr. Thorpe has recovered from his fashion-related injuries and with a teal eyepatch and rust-colored paisley-print bandage he has returned to join Zack in the front lines. This time the intrepid pair are journeying to the forbidden lands of India and Pakistan to let the struggling peoples of these lands know just how bad the fashions appearing in their movie posters are. Dr. Thorpe: How come the guy in the middle is staring at the lamp instead of the genie who's magically popped out of it? "Genies are a dime a dozen, but look at this lamp! It's awesome!" Zack: That looks more like a gravy boat than a lamp. Maybe gravy boat genies suck. Like they only grant you one wish and it can't be worth more than thirty dollars. Dr. Thorpe: Even assuming all of their powers are gravy-related, I still think a gravy boat genie would be pretty neat. "Gravy boat genie, thicken up this gravy! I command it!" He'll probably hang around and baste your turkey all day on Thanksgiving so you can go in the living room and watch football. Zack: I bet any wish you make he turns it around into something bad. Like you wish he would thicken up the gravy and you come back and there are kids leaving handprints to dry in it. Or maybe he just takes a really long time and smells bad. Also after he grants your wish he hangs around for way too long afterward and it gets really uncomfortable. Stop reading this garbage and go read the article! You can tell all those muffinheads on the Attack of the Show forums that you heard it here while it was still cool. Awful Link of the Day Jor-El's World (thanks Darven) - Jor-El A'dam Ra is a visitor to early 21st century Earth from the 24th century. His mission is to coordinate planetary evolution in several ways: 1. To guide the evolutionary progress of groups and individuals 2. To provide humankind with a vision of the positive future that is its destiny 3. To use media to communicate the existing projects that are the seeds of that destiny 4. To network the people, projects and organizations that fulfill the mission. We entered Jor-El's World in the last five years of the second millennium, (1995-2000), a time of tumultuous change and challenge.......a time of crisis and opportunity! In addition to Jor-El/Ed Elkin's primary activities, he offers a link to a series of projects and games that have been initiated to guide humanity through the "eye of the needle", gracefully, powerfully, and succesfully. Teams of Evolutionary Agents are forming to steward each project. You are encouraged to join one or more of these projects creating "transition teams" to carry humankind into the next millennium. Post a comment in the forums Email Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz Submit an Awful Link of the Day |
| 24th June 2005 - 03:16:23 PM |
| 29178 : RememberWhen |
| Remember how in the middle of the get-rich-1980s the history class did a recreation of the famous Wall Street Crash? Remember how you came to school dressed like a yuppie with slick black hair, massive mobile phone like in the film Wall Crash? Remember how you used to get anally fucked by Gordon Gekko (Belding)? Remember how he used to dump his load on your face whilst fantasting about money and how it was the taste of greed? Remember how nobody told you that this wasn't wall street and it was meant to be 1929? Remember how you lost all the school's money just like your grandpapa did all those years back? Remember how much your grandpa was like you and how he got a reacharound from Belding's grandpa? Remember how you lost your shirt, money and pants from your stock/shares? Remember how Belding bought you and your grandpa for a dime and subjected you and your pa to months of unprotected butt sex from his grandpa? You sure lost your shirt, and got screwed that time! |
| 24th June 2005 - 04:52:11 PM |
| 29179 : |
| Dustin, I fucked your ex Evan Stone, he give good head and he kept telling me about how small you are and how you can't eat out an ass to save your life. he also showed me nude pictures of you wearing nothing but leather chaps and a little cowboy hat. |
| 24th June 2005 - 06:36:58 PM |
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